Escaping from Nothing | Chapter 13: Is This the End Yet?
I was running, away from something or maybe towards something.
I wanted to run as fast as I could, but I felt chains and restraints on my left foot.
I ran further and restraints started to appear on my right foot as well.
I ran and ran and ran… I could no longer feel tired and could only hear my mind telling me to keep running.
I had to reach the finishing point, no matter what it is…
I ran and ran and somehow knew the finishing point was right around the corner.
“I don’t know you that well,” I said, to someone, or something.
“I don’t know you that well,” Someone repeated.
I turned around and saw Niann behind me. I looked at him.
I felt the wind passing me, heading towards the finishing point.
“I don’t know what I am running for. I just wanted to escape from something,” I said, in despair.
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I opened and rubbed my eyes. I met Niann for dinner a week ago now, and it was once again a Saturday.
We had not talk since our last encounter and none of us reached out to one another.
I remembered from our conversation, I revealed something about my perspective. I told him I wished to run my own studio one day.
I did want to run my own studio, but I still loved to work under my supervisor. After all, I did not need to think or make that many decisions on the job, and I was still learning.
I looked at the clock but could not get the time stick in my head.
What happened to me?
I could not stop thinking of Niann and I have been waiting for him to message me for the past week. Somehow, even though I was still on time or early for all of my jobs and events, time seemed to not matter to me the same anymore.
Maybe I changed. Maybe I changed because of Niann… Thinking of how time gone by without him remembering me and texting me, made me felt like tracking of time was useless.
I went on social media and looked at his profile. It seemed like he was out for other modelling jobs and made quite a few friends. A lot of them were females.
“You seem different,” His words came into my mind.
I looked at his statuses and before I could shove any of the words from the screen into my mind, I got a message from him.
“Hey, how are you?” He wrote.
“I am fine. Thank you, how about you?”
“I have been busy these days, as you can see from my profile. People have been tagging me in pictures all day long.”
“Being busy is better than doing nothing.”
“So, are you doing nothing right now?”
“I guess so. It is a holiday.”
“Do you want to grab lunch?”
I looked at the clock and finally got the time registered into my brain. It was 11:19am.
“Yeah, sure, where do you want to go?”
“I’ll just come to your place and pick you up at 12nn. We can go from there.”
I typed ‘okay’ then brushed my teeth and changed my clothes.
I went downstairs and saw him walking towards my block. He waved and I waved back with a smile.
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“You know, ‘knowing you’ is probably the worst thing that happened to me,” I said sarcastically, as we were eating at a local restaurant.
Everyone seemed to be busy in chitchats and we were eating quietly, so somehow those words decided to spew out of my mouth.
He thought for a while, and that was when I realised, he didn’t get the sarcasm.
“Why?”
It turned serious, but I continued, “Because now I cannot stop thinking about you.”
I said it.
I have terrible impulse control. I didn’t regret it, because I spoke my mind, and it was my mind.
He paused and thought longer, and before I could try to neutralise the situation by saying I was kidding, he said, “I am not an emotional person and I can stop thinking about you. I cannot emotionally reciprocate the feeling. I am sorry about that. I do really treasure you as a friend.”
I wanted to laugh at him for taking this too seriously, but then I thought to myself… My joke was not really a joke, was it?
I really did want him to reciprocate the feeling, and I knew maybe he will not. Now that I heard it in person, I knew that was not possible.
I sipped on my water and smiled, trying to lighten the atmosphere.
“It is okay. It just means you have a better impulse control.”
He looked at me, searching for any negative emotions that should have surfaced, but I hid it so well.
“I do really like you, as my friend.”
“Yes, friend.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
©Yolanda Yip (Wintsarye)
I wanted to run as fast as I could, but I felt chains and restraints on my left foot.
I ran further and restraints started to appear on my right foot as well.
I ran and ran and ran… I could no longer feel tired and could only hear my mind telling me to keep running.
I had to reach the finishing point, no matter what it is…
I ran and ran and somehow knew the finishing point was right around the corner.
“I don’t know you that well,” I said, to someone, or something.
“I don’t know you that well,” Someone repeated.
I turned around and saw Niann behind me. I looked at him.
I felt the wind passing me, heading towards the finishing point.
“I don’t know what I am running for. I just wanted to escape from something,” I said, in despair.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I opened and rubbed my eyes. I met Niann for dinner a week ago now, and it was once again a Saturday.
We had not talk since our last encounter and none of us reached out to one another.
I remembered from our conversation, I revealed something about my perspective. I told him I wished to run my own studio one day.
I did want to run my own studio, but I still loved to work under my supervisor. After all, I did not need to think or make that many decisions on the job, and I was still learning.
I looked at the clock but could not get the time stick in my head.
What happened to me?
I could not stop thinking of Niann and I have been waiting for him to message me for the past week. Somehow, even though I was still on time or early for all of my jobs and events, time seemed to not matter to me the same anymore.
Maybe I changed. Maybe I changed because of Niann… Thinking of how time gone by without him remembering me and texting me, made me felt like tracking of time was useless.
I went on social media and looked at his profile. It seemed like he was out for other modelling jobs and made quite a few friends. A lot of them were females.
“You seem different,” His words came into my mind.
I looked at his statuses and before I could shove any of the words from the screen into my mind, I got a message from him.
“Hey, how are you?” He wrote.
“I am fine. Thank you, how about you?”
“I have been busy these days, as you can see from my profile. People have been tagging me in pictures all day long.”
“Being busy is better than doing nothing.”
“So, are you doing nothing right now?”
“I guess so. It is a holiday.”
“Do you want to grab lunch?”
I looked at the clock and finally got the time registered into my brain. It was 11:19am.
“Yeah, sure, where do you want to go?”
“I’ll just come to your place and pick you up at 12nn. We can go from there.”
I typed ‘okay’ then brushed my teeth and changed my clothes.
I went downstairs and saw him walking towards my block. He waved and I waved back with a smile.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“You know, ‘knowing you’ is probably the worst thing that happened to me,” I said sarcastically, as we were eating at a local restaurant.
Everyone seemed to be busy in chitchats and we were eating quietly, so somehow those words decided to spew out of my mouth.
He thought for a while, and that was when I realised, he didn’t get the sarcasm.
“Why?”
It turned serious, but I continued, “Because now I cannot stop thinking about you.”
I said it.
I have terrible impulse control. I didn’t regret it, because I spoke my mind, and it was my mind.
He paused and thought longer, and before I could try to neutralise the situation by saying I was kidding, he said, “I am not an emotional person and I can stop thinking about you. I cannot emotionally reciprocate the feeling. I am sorry about that. I do really treasure you as a friend.”
I wanted to laugh at him for taking this too seriously, but then I thought to myself… My joke was not really a joke, was it?
I really did want him to reciprocate the feeling, and I knew maybe he will not. Now that I heard it in person, I knew that was not possible.
I sipped on my water and smiled, trying to lighten the atmosphere.
“It is okay. It just means you have a better impulse control.”
He looked at me, searching for any negative emotions that should have surfaced, but I hid it so well.
“I do really like you, as my friend.”
“Yes, friend.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
©Yolanda Yip (Wintsarye)
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