Escaping from Nothing | Chapter 14: Uneasy
The rest of lunch went on without circling back to that topic. It went alright, but it seemed like the vibe was not right.
Afterwards, he walked me home and kissed my forehead to say goodbye.
My heart felt a bit electrified, but I knew it was just a friendly gesture from him.
I went back home, sat on my dining table, and placed my bag next to me.
He told me that he could stop thinking about me and that he did not miss me because he was not an emotional person. Maybe that meant he could stop thinking about me altogether and he could forget about my existence completely, just like during the week that passed.
Thinking about this made me feel uneasy. It made me realize how trivial I was to him. He could go on and look for other people, other girls, like the ones he worked with in his modelling company.
It struck me, to think how replaceable I was and it all came down to feeling like absolutely nothing.
He said you were special. Maybe he just said it and did not mean it after all…
I shuddered at my own thought. I suddenly felt immensely stupid. I placed my devotion on someone who did not feel the same way, even though I knew it was going to go nowhere… I even thought for a slight second, that I was indeed, special, to him.
I did know he treasured me as a friend, and he was the person who asked me out for lunch.
Just a friend… What else do you think? Do you think he will treat you romantically the same way from your dreams?
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I looked across at the table, tired of listening to complaints from my own head.
I looked at Niann who was on the other end, looking at me in silence and it seemed to me, that all the time meant nothing.
“You know, we don’t really know each other,” He says.
“I know. I always knew.”
What time did we even have, that really meant something? Maybe our time spent in the cab or in my own head…
I was lost in my own thoughts. I could not really think straight.
“I mean it. We do not really know each other. But I feel safe around you.”
“I know. I know now. I will remember that.”
“Yeah, friend,” He says, drinking the jug of beer on the table.
“I feel safe around you too. I always thought we knew each other better, but then maybe I am wrong.”
“You are never wrong. You may just be blinding yourself with your own perception.”
“I wish I am wrong,” I said, looking at him in wonder.
He looked at me and shrugged, then continued drinking his beer.
Some beer spilt on the table. He started licking the residue off the table.
The table was clean and his spilt beer was the only thing on it. Looking at him licking it did not disgust me.
“I really like you, how can it be, when I don’t really know you?” I said.
“You don’t have to know. But you just have to remember you brought this to yourself.”
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I slowly opened my eyes.
This phrase will haunt me forever and ever.
You brought this to yourself.
I dreamt of him, over and again, and this was what I get. An awakening phrase that went on and on, reminding me that I started this, firstly involuntarily, then voluntarily.
My phone vibrated and I was in clarity.
I saw everything clearly and my brain unclogged.
I just had to realise my position in this man’s heart, was really, not much of anything.
“Do you want to have lunch together?”
My heart warmed a little again, even from this simple question from him.
I shook my head.
“Yes sure.”
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©Yolanda Yip (Wintsarye)
Afterwards, he walked me home and kissed my forehead to say goodbye.
My heart felt a bit electrified, but I knew it was just a friendly gesture from him.
I went back home, sat on my dining table, and placed my bag next to me.
He told me that he could stop thinking about me and that he did not miss me because he was not an emotional person. Maybe that meant he could stop thinking about me altogether and he could forget about my existence completely, just like during the week that passed.
Thinking about this made me feel uneasy. It made me realize how trivial I was to him. He could go on and look for other people, other girls, like the ones he worked with in his modelling company.
It struck me, to think how replaceable I was and it all came down to feeling like absolutely nothing.
He said you were special. Maybe he just said it and did not mean it after all…
I shuddered at my own thought. I suddenly felt immensely stupid. I placed my devotion on someone who did not feel the same way, even though I knew it was going to go nowhere… I even thought for a slight second, that I was indeed, special, to him.
I did know he treasured me as a friend, and he was the person who asked me out for lunch.
Just a friend… What else do you think? Do you think he will treat you romantically the same way from your dreams?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I looked across at the table, tired of listening to complaints from my own head.
I looked at Niann who was on the other end, looking at me in silence and it seemed to me, that all the time meant nothing.
“You know, we don’t really know each other,” He says.
“I know. I always knew.”
What time did we even have, that really meant something? Maybe our time spent in the cab or in my own head…
I was lost in my own thoughts. I could not really think straight.
“I mean it. We do not really know each other. But I feel safe around you.”
“I know. I know now. I will remember that.”
“Yeah, friend,” He says, drinking the jug of beer on the table.
“I feel safe around you too. I always thought we knew each other better, but then maybe I am wrong.”
“You are never wrong. You may just be blinding yourself with your own perception.”
“I wish I am wrong,” I said, looking at him in wonder.
He looked at me and shrugged, then continued drinking his beer.
Some beer spilt on the table. He started licking the residue off the table.
The table was clean and his spilt beer was the only thing on it. Looking at him licking it did not disgust me.
“I really like you, how can it be, when I don’t really know you?” I said.
“You don’t have to know. But you just have to remember you brought this to yourself.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I slowly opened my eyes.
This phrase will haunt me forever and ever.
You brought this to yourself.
I dreamt of him, over and again, and this was what I get. An awakening phrase that went on and on, reminding me that I started this, firstly involuntarily, then voluntarily.
My phone vibrated and I was in clarity.
I saw everything clearly and my brain unclogged.
I just had to realise my position in this man’s heart, was really, not much of anything.
“Do you want to have lunch together?”
My heart warmed a little again, even from this simple question from him.
I shook my head.
“Yes sure.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
©Yolanda Yip (Wintsarye)
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