Wintsarye

I kept drinking at the bar. It seemed like me going there almost every Monday had led to the staff recognising my face and order. “You would like a beer?” The bartender said. I nodded. He smiled and went ahead with my order. Everything about Niann ended. I cut off all my connections with him, on social media at least. He never got my phone number, so it seemed easy on both of us. I never had real relationships, but this not-actual-relationship hurt me. Maybe it was because of the dreams, and all the commotion that was happening. Somehow this bar was either famous or a bar of convenience, as I saw someone walking towards me again. “Daryl,” She said. I looked up. She looked pretty, but tired with dark eye circles. She seemed thinner. “Jalila.” She sat next to me. She smiled, embarrassed. “I heard that you ran into Laver last time in this bar. So, I came to see if you will be here.” I tried to smile, “Well, here I am.” She wanted to smile and say something, but...

We met at a dining place nearby. I could not stop noticing the fact that even though all the decorations there were beautiful, they did not lighten my inner mood. I thought, and knew that our relationship would end anytime soon, because I would eventually try and cross the line. “So, how have you been?” He asked. I smiled, “I have been alright, just busy with work.” We hadn’t talk for quite a while. It was a Sunday and a long while since we last reached out to one another. It seemed like he liked to talk to me in person, maybe to balance out his life or just to feel better. Was I his remedy? Someone he could meet and feel better instantly? Either way, I knew he would not reciprocate my intimate feelings for him. The ones that developed from my countless dreams of him connecting intimately with me. I had to cut off our real-life interactions, or I could go crazy. I would mix up reality and my dreams. I did not want to lose him forever, in real life or otherwise. “I have bee...

The rest of lunch went on without circling back to that topic. It went alright, but it seemed like the vibe was not right. Afterwards, he walked me home and kissed my forehead to say goodbye. My heart felt a bit electrified, but I knew it was just a friendly gesture from him. I went back home, sat on my dining table, and placed my bag next to me. He told me that he could stop thinking about me and that he did not miss me because he was not an emotional person. Maybe that meant he could stop thinking about me altogether and he could forget about my existence completely, just like during the week that passed. Thinking about this made me feel uneasy. It made me realize how trivial I was to him. He could go on and look for other people, other girls, like the ones he worked with in his modelling company. It struck me, to think how replaceable I was and it all came down to feeling like absolutely nothing. He ...

I was running, away from something or maybe towards something. I wanted to run as fast as I could, but I felt chains and restraints on my left foot. I ran further and restraints started to appear on my right foot as well. I ran and ran and ran… I could no longer feel tired and could only hear my mind telling me to keep running. I had to reach the finishing point, no matter what it is… I ran and ran and somehow knew the finishing point was right around the corner. “I don’t know you that well,” I said, to someone, or something. “I don’t know you that well,” Someone repeated. I turned around and saw Niann behind me. I looked at him. I felt the wind passing me, heading towards the finishing point. “I don’t know what I am running for. I just wanted to escape from something,” I said, in despair. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I opened and rubbed my eyes. I met Niann for dinner a week ago now, and it was once again a S...

It was Friday. I felt anxious as the clock ticked to 5pm. I heard someone at the counter and thought it might be Niann. I did not want to rush out and scare him, so I remained in my position. I waited for a bit until 5:05pm, finished off all my work, then left slowly. It was indeed Niann, sitting at the sofa near the counter, waiting. “Hey!” He said. “Hey,” I smiled. “Let’s go.” We walked out and decided where we should have our dinner. Then, I asked him my burning question. “Why did you want to go out with me? I mean, not all of our encounters have been pleasant and there is not really a reason and…” I was lost for words as he smiled at me. “Well, you seemed like a pretty decent person, even though a bit stalkerish, maybe,” He laughed, “I felt like you will be really nice to hang out with and since you somehow found me on social media, I thought we could be friends then.” “Oh cool.” “Yeah, I just felt like we could make our friendship actually work, since we ha...

On the way back, I kept thinking of Niann. I knew Niann and Delise lived near each other and they were close friends. But I felt like I was intruding someone, or something, or crossing the line, once again. I did not know if Niann told Delise about our cab ride home that late night, or if Delise cared more about Niann than as a friend. I just… felt like a third party weirdly chiming into their lives. I never had great romantic relationships with anyone. I felt inadequate and insecure in all of them. I know I shouldn’t think that way, but it was stuck in my brain. Then I suddenly remembered my friend request to Niann. I did not know whether I should look at it straight away… maybe I shouldn’t… I could not resist the urge and logged onto my social network to check… There were no acceptances of friendship requests whatsoever. I lied in bed. I was certainly overthinking. I overestimated my ability to get someone to think of me, and my influence on some random stranger. ...

There is something about Mondays. I was stressed out, and it wasn’t even a stressful day. I went to the same bar I visited last time, ordered myself a bottle of beer and paid the bartender. She soon opened one and put it in front of me. “Would you like a glass?” She asked. “I’m alright, thank you.” She smiled at me and I smiled back. She then hurried off to other customers at the bar. I enjoy being surrounded by humans. The atmosphere, crowdedness and loud music somehow ease me out, make me feel safe and better. I don’t go there all the time, but those two weeks with mind occupying events and dreams that I could not simply ignore... I had to find a way, my way, to get out of that state. I breathed slowly as I poured the bottle of cold beer down my throat. I have good alcohol tolerance, but I blush easily. People always think that I am drunk, while my mind remains conscious. I looked over and saw someone familiar at the bar. What I didn’t expect was that the person loo...

I slept almost until noon the next day. I could not believe what I did impulsively. I turned from my side to my back and looked up the ceiling. It was Sunday and I had no intention to do anything. My interaction with Niann last night was overwhelming enough. I started to picture myself in different lighting, as they would influence what emotion this scene portrays. This scene of me, laying on my back in my bed, feeling a mixture of emotions, after exposing myself to someone I liked. I started to think about what happened and wondered whether I could ever let go of Niann in my head. He was overpowering my emotions and taking up my mind and thoughts. Is it because he is Niann, or is it because he was in your dreams? This question went over my head a thousand times, but I never got a distinct answer, until I came across Niann in real life. I was in such a dilemma, wanting to see and know him more as a person, but also did not want to know more about him, so he sta...

Everyone started to pack their things away and called it a day, even though it was no longer day time. It was already 00:36am and I was no longer as awake as I wanted to be. I walked around pushing and pulling the heavy lighting equipment back into their storage. Kael looked exhausted and so was everyone. The director was yawning and yelling at the models whilst saying ‘good job’ and told them they could leave after they changed. Then he left the set after saying thank you to my supervisor. My supervisor nodded and waved at him stiffly. My supervisor walked towards me as I moved around the stuff, put their props to the side, and cleaned up the studio. “Thank you, Daryl, you are great today. You can leave after everyone is gone,” He smiled, finally easing up. I smiled back at him. My supervisor patted me stiffly on my shoulder, then left the studio. I was always the one who had to stay behind to close down the studio. Kael had already gone somewhere, probably to fetch his ...

I returned home to take a shower and cleaned up. Then I lied on my bed facing down. I hated it when my brain unwantedly wandered back to thoughts related to Niann, someone who I really should not be thinking of, at all, anymore. He should already disappear in thin air, just like anyone you met once or twice. Somehow, my brain always found a way for him to pop up again. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I woke up and looked around me. It was already bright by then. It was Saturday once again, so I didn’t really have much to do. I would love to lie on my bed, thinking about things that happened or could happen in life, but then I wanted to start doing something actually meaningful. So, I hopped up, brushed my teeth and made myself an actual breakfast, with toast, egg and ham. Maybe it was from yesterday’s great meal, that I thought I should start treating myself well with food, and not just survive off canned goods. That w...