Twist and Tear | Chapter 2: Keson
I met Keson on a breezy Thursday morning.
There was a lecture that morning but I didn’t go because it was recorded and attendance was not compulsory. Plus I just rushed through my essay the night before. I had all kinds of excuses for my behaviour, but the truth is, I felt like watching a movie, so I wandered to a movie theatre nearby and bought a ticket to a movie that was on that morning.
I had no idea what the movie was about before going in. Turns out it was a sad movie, about a death in the family that brought the rest of the family together. I could never stand the thought of someone’s death, even though I knew it is the reality, and everyone will die at some point. It is just too sorrowful to think about. The fact that someone in your life, someone you could touch and talk to, someone you care about, could suddenly just be gone.
The lighting of the movie theatre was dim and I left sobbing. These all combined to make me feel dizzy when I stepped out into the daylight.
That was when I went to a convenient store to buy myself a microwavable lunch, and hit my head hard against an employee in the store who bent down and got up whilst organizing stuff around the place.
It wasn’t love at first sight, but the hit was enough to make him recognize me.
“Are you okay?” He said, right after I hit him, or rather, he stood up and hit me.
He rubbed his hand on his head, and I almost instantly mirrored his action.
“Not really,” I said, feeling even dizzier.
“Can I help you with something?”
“Can I get an ice pack?”
“I don’t think our store has that kind of medical supply. And the big ice packs will probably be too big for your purposes,” He said, sounding so logical and reasonable that it was hard to believe he just got hit inadvertently by a wandering customer.
“Can I use one of the frozen food packs?”
He turned around, then turned back to look at me and said, “I don’t think that is hygienic either.”
I still felt dizzy, but I slowly got a grip on myself as I faced this reasoning man.
“Alright then, never mind.”
He looked at me, then slowly smiled.
His smile was not a great smile, but it made me feel better, slowly able to examine my circumstances, and realised I had to apologize for being the mindless one.
“I am sorry,” I said, rubbing my head the last time and finally seeing the world more vividly and not in blurs and moving circles.
“It is okay. No, I mean, I am sorry. I was working and I should be careful.”
Looking at him, I didn’t want to say another word about the matter and make it a tug of war between us on who should take the blame. I smiled and nodded, and he nodded back.
“Okay, I should proceed to my shopping.”
He smiled and said, “Of course.”
I took a package from the frozen microwavable food isle and handed them over the cashier counter where he was now behind, taking it under the barcode scanner.
I paid him after he told me the price of the package, then I left feeling utterly awkward and shameful of my empty-headedness.
I didn’t go back to the same shop until weeks later when I finished my final exam. I went to the movies again and decided to go to the convenient store to grab a pack of microwavable food to serve my cravings and laziness some justice.
I walked in and saw him there. I still hadn’t returned to my normal state from the dim movie theatre. So, I clumsily hit my head against one of the shelves and caused some items to fall down.
I exhaled loudly and nervously, not turning around to see whether he was looking at me, or smiling, or giggling, and put the fallen items back to their place. I then slowly walked towards the frozen food item compartment, picked up a pack of frozen food and unavoidably had to walk to the cashier to face him.
“Hi again,” He said, brightly smiling.
“Hey,” I tried to smile, and failed to cover my embarrassment.
He ran the food item under the scanner.
I quickly took my wallet out, paid the amount, and whilst feeling extremely embarrassed, quickly walked out of the store.
“Hey!” He ran after me, holding my just purchased frozen food package.
I turned around and saw him with the frozen food package.
“Thank you,” I said, feeling doltish.
“It is okay. A slow day, huh?” He smiled.
I nodded and looked at his name tag.
His name is ‘Keson’.
“I am just a clumsy person.”
Keson smiled, “Well, it happens.”
I smiled and pointed at the store, signalling he should probably go back inside to serve other customers rather than chit chatting with me.
He smiled.
I quickly turned over and walked across the street as I almost got ran over by a forth coming motorcycle. The skilful motor cyclist immediately stopped before injuring himself and me.
He yelled at me, “Watch it! It is never a good day to be an idiot and get killed on the road!”
“Sorry, I am so sorry,” I muttered, even more red-faced because I knew Keson must be watching.
Before I turned to know whether he was, he already pulled me back from the road and waved at the motor cyclist apologetically.
The motor cyclist quickly got back on his track and left.
“I know this is embarrassing for you, but please. Mind your own safety before running away,” He said whilst checking whether I was hurt.
At this point, I looked up at him and I guess this stranger whom I only encountered twice, each time with a literal hit, switched something on in me. I felt like I was loved.
It will never last.
‘It’ being the feeling that I was loved by a stranger I only met twice.
Looking back, I felt like if he didn’t look at me, if he didn’t say anything after I got halted by the motor cyclist, then none of the following would happen.
He wouldn’t state that I was running away. I wouldn’t feel like I shouldn’t be running away, and I wouldn’t have that absurd feeling.
But that something got into me, and I couldn’t stop thinking about him for weeks. As I prepared for my graduation and chores that came after, I somehow wandered on the streets and landed back in the convenient store.
I looked inside to see if it was him on duty at the cashier.
Turned out it wasn’t.
I was a bit disappointed, and tried to walk away. My stomach objected, so I went inside to grab some frozen microwavable food.
Then I realised he was in the corner of the store packing up boxes. I froze next to the frozen food isle, squeezed out a smile, turned and quickly picked a package, then went to the cashier to pay for it, this time remembering to pick it up after I pay.
The guy I was thinking about was right in front of me, but I couldn’t do anything but run away. This time, I got across safely, and realised I picked up a frozen package of soup instead of meal.
I ran back across, and on the way managed to run just in front of a truck. The truck driver sounded the horn at me and swore at me.
Surely the fuss attracted lots of people’s attention, including Keson’s. Keson walked out of the store to check what’s going on. He saw me, in my natural awkward state, as usual.
“Hey,” He said, gently.
I wanted to run away but I had nowhere to go.
“I wanted a meal instead of soup.”
“You almost killed yourself. You need a meal and a present mind,” He said, with concern and strictness in his words.
I didn’t know what to do, so I started to laugh.
He looked at me like I was a maniac, but I guess I was one after all.
I ended my 6th relationship, months before I met Keson. I said I was going to give myself a break from all the hurt and vague expectations my formers had, regarding to how I express my love towards them, or really, anyone.
I received the news of my mum remarrying right before my graduation. My stepdad had a daughter and two sons. His ex-wife was cheating on him with cigarettes. He could not bear the smell and her lying about it, so he filed a divorce. Their kids were already adults and could take care of themselves, so they divorced peacefully. My stepdad then met my mum when she was teaching her usual mathematic classes in a recreational centre. He was passing by to go to the loo and saw my mum in all her flare.
“My mum, mathematical numbers and the black board,” I laughed when I visited them after my graduation, “I cannot imagine a better combination.”
“Us neither,” My mum said, smiling brightly at her newly-wed husband.
I looked at them, and nearly spat out my half swallowed coffee.
My stepdad smiled and for a moment, I thought and believed that they would last. If not for a lifetime, it will be for a long time.
My 6th relationship ended with the guy chasing after another girl. He said I was emotionally incapable of giving him what he needed or wanted. He wanted an emotionally stable girl.
“I am stable,” I said to him, as we were sitting in an open street restaurant, eating what was left on my plate.
“I am stable now even after you admitted you are going after another girl.”
“You are not. You always talk about reality and saying that dreams are not real. You are always so negative about things.”
“I am just being realistic. It isn’t always negative and it doesn’t imply that I am emotionally unstable and sad all the time.”
“I don’t know if I should feel sorry for you but entertaining your forever-ongoing-philosophical-thinking and reality wake up calls just tires me. I have dreams that I want to accomplish and you just keep beating them down with your theories.”
I didn’t want to argue.
It was coming to an end anyways, so I wanted to leave it before it turned into a hot heated fight in the middle of the street.
“It is okay if you feel sorry for me. Sometimes, I feel sorry for me too.”
He sighed.
I had heard him sigh countless times, and still every single time it hurt me to the core to hear him sigh. His sighs were filled with confusion and exasperation, as our discussions were nugatory.
We sat in silence.
He said nothing else, then left the table with cash for his meal.
My memories were mostly in silence.
It was probably because that was what made up of me, or my relationships – silence and unspoken regrets always seemed to tango with one another.
I was hurt, and somehow desperate to fill up the void, especially after my graduation. I was left with my own thoughts, in an empty house.
Keson was all that occupied my mind at the time, distracting me from others.
He was the image implanted in my mind. Even though I wanted to stop myself from fantasizing about him, I failed. This one image decided its place to stay.
It was unnerving, and it was seemingly destined to happen, to own a place in my ‘lifetime’.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
©Yolanda Yip (Wintsarye)
There was a lecture that morning but I didn’t go because it was recorded and attendance was not compulsory. Plus I just rushed through my essay the night before. I had all kinds of excuses for my behaviour, but the truth is, I felt like watching a movie, so I wandered to a movie theatre nearby and bought a ticket to a movie that was on that morning.
I had no idea what the movie was about before going in. Turns out it was a sad movie, about a death in the family that brought the rest of the family together. I could never stand the thought of someone’s death, even though I knew it is the reality, and everyone will die at some point. It is just too sorrowful to think about. The fact that someone in your life, someone you could touch and talk to, someone you care about, could suddenly just be gone.
The lighting of the movie theatre was dim and I left sobbing. These all combined to make me feel dizzy when I stepped out into the daylight.
That was when I went to a convenient store to buy myself a microwavable lunch, and hit my head hard against an employee in the store who bent down and got up whilst organizing stuff around the place.
It wasn’t love at first sight, but the hit was enough to make him recognize me.
“Are you okay?” He said, right after I hit him, or rather, he stood up and hit me.
He rubbed his hand on his head, and I almost instantly mirrored his action.
“Not really,” I said, feeling even dizzier.
“Can I help you with something?”
“Can I get an ice pack?”
“I don’t think our store has that kind of medical supply. And the big ice packs will probably be too big for your purposes,” He said, sounding so logical and reasonable that it was hard to believe he just got hit inadvertently by a wandering customer.
“Can I use one of the frozen food packs?”
He turned around, then turned back to look at me and said, “I don’t think that is hygienic either.”
I still felt dizzy, but I slowly got a grip on myself as I faced this reasoning man.
“Alright then, never mind.”
He looked at me, then slowly smiled.
His smile was not a great smile, but it made me feel better, slowly able to examine my circumstances, and realised I had to apologize for being the mindless one.
“I am sorry,” I said, rubbing my head the last time and finally seeing the world more vividly and not in blurs and moving circles.
“It is okay. No, I mean, I am sorry. I was working and I should be careful.”
Looking at him, I didn’t want to say another word about the matter and make it a tug of war between us on who should take the blame. I smiled and nodded, and he nodded back.
“Okay, I should proceed to my shopping.”
He smiled and said, “Of course.”
I took a package from the frozen microwavable food isle and handed them over the cashier counter where he was now behind, taking it under the barcode scanner.
I paid him after he told me the price of the package, then I left feeling utterly awkward and shameful of my empty-headedness.
I didn’t go back to the same shop until weeks later when I finished my final exam. I went to the movies again and decided to go to the convenient store to grab a pack of microwavable food to serve my cravings and laziness some justice.
I walked in and saw him there. I still hadn’t returned to my normal state from the dim movie theatre. So, I clumsily hit my head against one of the shelves and caused some items to fall down.
I exhaled loudly and nervously, not turning around to see whether he was looking at me, or smiling, or giggling, and put the fallen items back to their place. I then slowly walked towards the frozen food item compartment, picked up a pack of frozen food and unavoidably had to walk to the cashier to face him.
“Hi again,” He said, brightly smiling.
“Hey,” I tried to smile, and failed to cover my embarrassment.
He ran the food item under the scanner.
I quickly took my wallet out, paid the amount, and whilst feeling extremely embarrassed, quickly walked out of the store.
“Hey!” He ran after me, holding my just purchased frozen food package.
I turned around and saw him with the frozen food package.
“Thank you,” I said, feeling doltish.
“It is okay. A slow day, huh?” He smiled.
I nodded and looked at his name tag.
His name is ‘Keson’.
“I am just a clumsy person.”
Keson smiled, “Well, it happens.”
I smiled and pointed at the store, signalling he should probably go back inside to serve other customers rather than chit chatting with me.
He smiled.
I quickly turned over and walked across the street as I almost got ran over by a forth coming motorcycle. The skilful motor cyclist immediately stopped before injuring himself and me.
He yelled at me, “Watch it! It is never a good day to be an idiot and get killed on the road!”
“Sorry, I am so sorry,” I muttered, even more red-faced because I knew Keson must be watching.
Before I turned to know whether he was, he already pulled me back from the road and waved at the motor cyclist apologetically.
The motor cyclist quickly got back on his track and left.
“I know this is embarrassing for you, but please. Mind your own safety before running away,” He said whilst checking whether I was hurt.
At this point, I looked up at him and I guess this stranger whom I only encountered twice, each time with a literal hit, switched something on in me. I felt like I was loved.
It will never last.
‘It’ being the feeling that I was loved by a stranger I only met twice.
Looking back, I felt like if he didn’t look at me, if he didn’t say anything after I got halted by the motor cyclist, then none of the following would happen.
He wouldn’t state that I was running away. I wouldn’t feel like I shouldn’t be running away, and I wouldn’t have that absurd feeling.
But that something got into me, and I couldn’t stop thinking about him for weeks. As I prepared for my graduation and chores that came after, I somehow wandered on the streets and landed back in the convenient store.
I looked inside to see if it was him on duty at the cashier.
Turned out it wasn’t.
I was a bit disappointed, and tried to walk away. My stomach objected, so I went inside to grab some frozen microwavable food.
Then I realised he was in the corner of the store packing up boxes. I froze next to the frozen food isle, squeezed out a smile, turned and quickly picked a package, then went to the cashier to pay for it, this time remembering to pick it up after I pay.
The guy I was thinking about was right in front of me, but I couldn’t do anything but run away. This time, I got across safely, and realised I picked up a frozen package of soup instead of meal.
I ran back across, and on the way managed to run just in front of a truck. The truck driver sounded the horn at me and swore at me.
Surely the fuss attracted lots of people’s attention, including Keson’s. Keson walked out of the store to check what’s going on. He saw me, in my natural awkward state, as usual.
“Hey,” He said, gently.
I wanted to run away but I had nowhere to go.
“I wanted a meal instead of soup.”
“You almost killed yourself. You need a meal and a present mind,” He said, with concern and strictness in his words.
I didn’t know what to do, so I started to laugh.
He looked at me like I was a maniac, but I guess I was one after all.
I ended my 6th relationship, months before I met Keson. I said I was going to give myself a break from all the hurt and vague expectations my formers had, regarding to how I express my love towards them, or really, anyone.
I received the news of my mum remarrying right before my graduation. My stepdad had a daughter and two sons. His ex-wife was cheating on him with cigarettes. He could not bear the smell and her lying about it, so he filed a divorce. Their kids were already adults and could take care of themselves, so they divorced peacefully. My stepdad then met my mum when she was teaching her usual mathematic classes in a recreational centre. He was passing by to go to the loo and saw my mum in all her flare.
“My mum, mathematical numbers and the black board,” I laughed when I visited them after my graduation, “I cannot imagine a better combination.”
“Us neither,” My mum said, smiling brightly at her newly-wed husband.
I looked at them, and nearly spat out my half swallowed coffee.
My stepdad smiled and for a moment, I thought and believed that they would last. If not for a lifetime, it will be for a long time.
My 6th relationship ended with the guy chasing after another girl. He said I was emotionally incapable of giving him what he needed or wanted. He wanted an emotionally stable girl.
“I am stable,” I said to him, as we were sitting in an open street restaurant, eating what was left on my plate.
“I am stable now even after you admitted you are going after another girl.”
“You are not. You always talk about reality and saying that dreams are not real. You are always so negative about things.”
“I am just being realistic. It isn’t always negative and it doesn’t imply that I am emotionally unstable and sad all the time.”
“I don’t know if I should feel sorry for you but entertaining your forever-ongoing-philosophical-thinking and reality wake up calls just tires me. I have dreams that I want to accomplish and you just keep beating them down with your theories.”
I didn’t want to argue.
It was coming to an end anyways, so I wanted to leave it before it turned into a hot heated fight in the middle of the street.
“It is okay if you feel sorry for me. Sometimes, I feel sorry for me too.”
He sighed.
I had heard him sigh countless times, and still every single time it hurt me to the core to hear him sigh. His sighs were filled with confusion and exasperation, as our discussions were nugatory.
We sat in silence.
He said nothing else, then left the table with cash for his meal.
My memories were mostly in silence.
It was probably because that was what made up of me, or my relationships – silence and unspoken regrets always seemed to tango with one another.
I was hurt, and somehow desperate to fill up the void, especially after my graduation. I was left with my own thoughts, in an empty house.
Keson was all that occupied my mind at the time, distracting me from others.
He was the image implanted in my mind. Even though I wanted to stop myself from fantasizing about him, I failed. This one image decided its place to stay.
It was unnerving, and it was seemingly destined to happen, to own a place in my ‘lifetime’.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
©Yolanda Yip (Wintsarye)
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