Twist and Tear | Chapter 8: Where Do We Go From Here?
I didn’t want to reconcile with Keson until we met the marriage counsellor. However, we had to sleep on the same bed and that night Keson hugged me from behind despite my struggle.
I didn’t want to struggle too hard because I do love him deeply in my heart. However, hitting me was completely out of line, plus his failure to understand my feelings struck me painfully in my heart.
“I am sorry Royane,” He said.
I could feel his tears wetting the back of my neck.
“I really didn’t mean it. I love you. I am so sorry.”
He gently stroked my swollen face with his hand. I moved away a bit, but I didn’t say anything.
In fact, I had nothing to say.
We met the marriage counsellor few days later. It was an afternoon and we both got off work to meet her.
“I am Ms. Keya, your marriage counsellor,” She said, smiling, “Is this the first time you both did marriage counselling?”
Keson and I nodded.
“Okay, so I am basically here to help you understand the relationship you share and how you feel. I am not going to help you make any decision or make any judgements. I am solely here to assist you in discovering the fundamentals of your relationship, like what you want and how you contribute. So, let’s start by asking if there’s anything that pops up in your mind that you would like to discuss?”
I nodded, then I looked at Keson. I swallowed my feelings, tried to act strong and maybe tell her the truth and my doubts. But I could not do it with Keson here.
She looked at Keson and immediately understood.
“We can start the session by talking to you both separately. Would you guys like that?”
Keson looked at me and I nodded. He nodded as well.
“Alright, Keson, would you mind waiting in the waiting room?”
“No, not at all.”
Keson got up and walked out.
Ms. Keya smiled at me, “So, what would you like to talk about?”
I told her all my doubts and the fact that I didn’t really think he loves me that much. I also said that he hit me because I talked back at him and told him how I felt. She nodded and listened to me quietly, slowly trying to understand.
“Would you say you are having a hard time recognising your husband’s affection towards you?”
“I don’t know,” I said, with confusion and trying to get it around my head, “I want to persuade myself fully that I did the right choice and that he does love me from the very start. But the fact that I confessed to him first, then he accepted me and confessed back to me after I said that I liked him, made me feel like he would not have wanted me if I didn’t say or do so. I am much more active and engaged in initiating the relationship and it makes me doubtful about him.”
She nodded, then she smiled, “Okay, I understand. Is there anything else you would like to talk about?”
I thought for a bit and shook my head.
“Okay, then I am going to talk to Keson individually as well. We can come back and talk it all out together afterwards? Is that alright with you?”
I nodded.
I waited in the waiting room alone as Keson talked to Ms. Keya.
I felt kind of relieved because I could finally communicate and express the burning doubts I have been trying to suppress. However, waiting alone and trying to figure out what Keson would be saying was killing me.
What would he say? What could he say? What did he actually think about all this? Did he come only to satisfy my demands?
As I was thinking, Ms. Keya came out from the room, smiled and waved me in.
I walked back in and Keson smiled at me.
“So I’ve talked to both of you separately and understand what you both feel and think about the relationship. Now, I am not going to disclose what was communicated to me, and I will help guide you both to communicate your thoughts and feelings with one another. Royane, would you like to start?”
I looked at both him and Ms. Keya, but I didn’t know how to start.
Where should I start? There were so many things, so many thoughts…
“I… I guess I had doubts. About us, about our relationship.”
Keson was surprised, “I never knew you were confused. Is it something I’ve done?”
“It is just that… I confessed to you, and I feel like if I never did, then this would’ve never happened. I feel like I love you more than you love me, and that you just… I…”
I looked at Keson’s confused look and Ms. Keya’s encouraging look.
“It is okay, Royane, take your time. You are in a safe space here,” Ms. Keya smiled.
“I feel like you don’t want to understand how I feel and it just keeps building up and up and… I tried to express my exhaustion to it all but then this happened,” I pointed at my face.
Keson looked at me and was completely speechless.
Ms. Keya looked at both of us.
“I know sometimes we suppress our feelings because we think that it will protect us. That is completely understandable. You are free to talk about your feelings here, and slowly take your time to know how to talk about them when you are back in the real world as well,” She said, “So, would you say that you are feeling more or less insecure in this relationship, Royane?”
“I… yes.”
“I have always been trying to assure you, Royane,” Keson turned to me, looking sad and guilty, “I was not the one who confessed, because I never had the courage to. I have always been oblivious and I never knew that you had these negative feelings. I never wanted to make you feel bad. Please let me know when that happens again so I know what not to do.”
He looked at me, pleading, then continued, “I might not have confessed back to you if you didn’t confess to me, but I am glad, every day, that you did. You make me the happiest person in the world, because now I have you. I am truly grateful.”
The way he looked at me was so gentle, filled with plead and totally harmless. He looked so sincere and I listened to his speech, word for word.
I started to tear up.
“Please don’t cry. Please don’t cry for me anymore. I love you, I truly do. I don’t know how to show it, but I do,” He said, pulling me into his arms.
I didn’t know what he did that really showed his love towards me. Would it be the fact that he picked me up every day after work, or that he changed his schedule to work every day so he couldn’t miss me before our first date, or that he always talked to keep me interested and showed that he listened because he would tell me a similar story?
I didn’t want to struggle too hard because I do love him deeply in my heart. However, hitting me was completely out of line, plus his failure to understand my feelings struck me painfully in my heart.
“I am sorry Royane,” He said.
I could feel his tears wetting the back of my neck.
“I really didn’t mean it. I love you. I am so sorry.”
He gently stroked my swollen face with his hand. I moved away a bit, but I didn’t say anything.
In fact, I had nothing to say.
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“I am Ms. Keya, your marriage counsellor,” She said, smiling, “Is this the first time you both did marriage counselling?”
Keson and I nodded.
“Okay, so I am basically here to help you understand the relationship you share and how you feel. I am not going to help you make any decision or make any judgements. I am solely here to assist you in discovering the fundamentals of your relationship, like what you want and how you contribute. So, let’s start by asking if there’s anything that pops up in your mind that you would like to discuss?”
I nodded, then I looked at Keson. I swallowed my feelings, tried to act strong and maybe tell her the truth and my doubts. But I could not do it with Keson here.
She looked at Keson and immediately understood.
“We can start the session by talking to you both separately. Would you guys like that?”
Keson looked at me and I nodded. He nodded as well.
“Alright, Keson, would you mind waiting in the waiting room?”
“No, not at all.”
Keson got up and walked out.
Ms. Keya smiled at me, “So, what would you like to talk about?”
I told her all my doubts and the fact that I didn’t really think he loves me that much. I also said that he hit me because I talked back at him and told him how I felt. She nodded and listened to me quietly, slowly trying to understand.
“Would you say you are having a hard time recognising your husband’s affection towards you?”
“I don’t know,” I said, with confusion and trying to get it around my head, “I want to persuade myself fully that I did the right choice and that he does love me from the very start. But the fact that I confessed to him first, then he accepted me and confessed back to me after I said that I liked him, made me feel like he would not have wanted me if I didn’t say or do so. I am much more active and engaged in initiating the relationship and it makes me doubtful about him.”
She nodded, then she smiled, “Okay, I understand. Is there anything else you would like to talk about?”
I thought for a bit and shook my head.
“Okay, then I am going to talk to Keson individually as well. We can come back and talk it all out together afterwards? Is that alright with you?”
I nodded.
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I felt kind of relieved because I could finally communicate and express the burning doubts I have been trying to suppress. However, waiting alone and trying to figure out what Keson would be saying was killing me.
What would he say? What could he say? What did he actually think about all this? Did he come only to satisfy my demands?
As I was thinking, Ms. Keya came out from the room, smiled and waved me in.
I walked back in and Keson smiled at me.
“So I’ve talked to both of you separately and understand what you both feel and think about the relationship. Now, I am not going to disclose what was communicated to me, and I will help guide you both to communicate your thoughts and feelings with one another. Royane, would you like to start?”
I looked at both him and Ms. Keya, but I didn’t know how to start.
Where should I start? There were so many things, so many thoughts…
“I… I guess I had doubts. About us, about our relationship.”
Keson was surprised, “I never knew you were confused. Is it something I’ve done?”
“It is just that… I confessed to you, and I feel like if I never did, then this would’ve never happened. I feel like I love you more than you love me, and that you just… I…”
I looked at Keson’s confused look and Ms. Keya’s encouraging look.
“It is okay, Royane, take your time. You are in a safe space here,” Ms. Keya smiled.
“I feel like you don’t want to understand how I feel and it just keeps building up and up and… I tried to express my exhaustion to it all but then this happened,” I pointed at my face.
Keson looked at me and was completely speechless.
Ms. Keya looked at both of us.
“I know sometimes we suppress our feelings because we think that it will protect us. That is completely understandable. You are free to talk about your feelings here, and slowly take your time to know how to talk about them when you are back in the real world as well,” She said, “So, would you say that you are feeling more or less insecure in this relationship, Royane?”
“I… yes.”
“I have always been trying to assure you, Royane,” Keson turned to me, looking sad and guilty, “I was not the one who confessed, because I never had the courage to. I have always been oblivious and I never knew that you had these negative feelings. I never wanted to make you feel bad. Please let me know when that happens again so I know what not to do.”
He looked at me, pleading, then continued, “I might not have confessed back to you if you didn’t confess to me, but I am glad, every day, that you did. You make me the happiest person in the world, because now I have you. I am truly grateful.”
The way he looked at me was so gentle, filled with plead and totally harmless. He looked so sincere and I listened to his speech, word for word.
I started to tear up.
“Please don’t cry. Please don’t cry for me anymore. I love you, I truly do. I don’t know how to show it, but I do,” He said, pulling me into his arms.
I didn’t know what he did that really showed his love towards me. Would it be the fact that he picked me up every day after work, or that he changed his schedule to work every day so he couldn’t miss me before our first date, or that he always talked to keep me interested and showed that he listened because he would tell me a similar story?
I just knew that I fell into his arms, and I started to feel the same way I did before about him. I felt safe and comfortable, maybe even loved. I treasured that very moment, trying to believe that everything was going to be okay.
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©Yolanda Yip (Wintsarye)
©Yolanda Yip (Wintsarye)
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