Twist and Tear | Chapter 9: The End?
My relationship with Keson has gone through ups and downs after we got married, but it seemed to get better over time. My perception of this reality being actually reality got more and more solid and I started to believe that maybe reality doesn’t have to be bad after all.
I was pregnant with his child, grateful and happier than ever, with him always by my side, knowing that he would never leave me.
But somehow, my doubt for his love came back, as I saw him promoted as the store manager and there was a new girl working in his store.
She was young and pretty, and even though I knew he would never cheat on me, I felt like she wanted something from him and wanted to get it no matter how. I knew that feeling was totally unjustified, but I could not stop feeling that way.
I went to see him every now and then, as my work started to get easier and I didn’t have to work that many long hours due to my pregnancy. When I went down to the store to see him, he was always so busy and even though I knew it was just work, I started to get jealous and angry.
My doubts towards him grew stronger and stronger everyday as he came home late.
It was just work, I knew, but I was more important to him than anything, right?
I was getting more and more aware and anxious.
I knew he would never just leave me like that, but then somehow in my mind, I just… I knew he wouldn’t but the insecurities grew like wild fire once it was sparked once again.
I always tried to be all nice and loving towards his return, pushed my doubts all the way deep inside my heart, and contained that wild fire with brick walls.
“Darling, do you want dinner?”
“No it is alright, I had dinner,” He kissed me on my forehead, “Please take some rest. If you want dinner I will cook for you. Don’t move around too much. Be careful and take care of our baby.”
“Okay,” I said, but not really feeling okay.
Was it antenatal depression? Or was my perception of him truly being cleared up and I started to see more issues about his personality?
I couldn’t help it but one day when he came back, I made dinner and told him to eat.
“Okay darling,” He said, sitting down at the table and started eating.
I looked at him with love, but also with total doubt. The fire burnt through the brick walls in my heart, and words spat out of my mouth to try to soothe that discomfort.
“I want to leave you.”
He looked up.
“What are you talking about? Is it because I have to work late? I am sorry, but I have more work now. I will try to let them know and come back earlier.”
He showed his care towards me and would try to compensate his schedule to favour me. I should just take it and be satisfied, but my brain continued its rant.
“I just want to leave you. I want to go and get out of here.”
I started becoming illogical, groundless and mental. I could not stop myself from having more and more negative thoughts and wanting him to show more of his care to soothe me and my feelings, to make me feel better. Maybe that’s the tactic my brain used unconsciously, to do the irrational in order to get the warm and loving feeling from him.
He stood up and hugged me.
I struggled a bit but then maybe because of my struggle, he took that as an act of rebellion. Or maybe he could not think straight, or he thought that I really wanted to go.
So, he hugged me tighter.
I wanted to melt in his arms, but somehow I struggled even more.
My act frightened myself, and it frightened him.
“No, please don’t,” The words slipped out of my mouth.
I struggled even harder and he looked horrified.
“Royane…”
I kept struggling and suddenly broke free of his embrace. Due to the momentum, my vulnerable body and imbalance, I fell back, hard onto the ground.
He looked at me, in shock, and then full of regret.
I looked up at him.
“I am sorry, I…” He said.
I wanted to run. I wanted to get away from there and just hide.
I was tired of myself, of all my expectations and doubtful thoughts.
But I knew that doesn’t solve anything.
I have learned time and time again that suppressing my feelings will just make them explode, like how the walls in my heart got burnt down by the flames of insecurity because instead of facing them head on, I hid them away.
“I’m so sorry…”
“I… I don’t know what to say. I felt insecure and I just wanted to let you care more about me.”
“Okay, I’ll let my work know, and I’ll stay home more…”
“Keson,” I looked at him, “I’m sorry.”
“Why?? No, it is my fault…”
Suddenly, I started to feel pain in my womb.
I squatted down as the pain got worse and started to sweat.
Keson got really worried, “Oh goodness, let me take you to the hospital.”
We got to the hospital.
While we waited, I decided to be brave and told him about my feelings.
“I started to have doubts about our relationship again. Ever since you started working a lot and there is this young and pretty girl in your workplace… I felt insecure, and my brain started to want to find ways to sabotage us, in order to force you to save it and show me ways in which you love me.”
Keson started to tear up as he hugged me and kissed my forehead.
“I don’t know whether to say you are silly or crazy.”
“Probably a bit of both,” I tried to smile but I was exhausted from my thoughts.
We stayed silent for a while.
“I hope you don’t mind me opening up to you like that. I…”
“No, not at all. I know how you don’t want to express feelings sometimes because you think that will risk our relationship.”
Is he going to say ‘but’?
I looked up at him.
“And, I want to reassure that, no one is going to be able to tear us apart except us.”
“Apparently I want to.”
“But I know you don’t actually want to, because that’s why we are having this conversation,” He held my hand, “And that’s why we are here together.”
The doctor called my name and I went in. They checked and everything looked fine so they sent us home.
I still don’t know what got into me, but time and time again, reality shows that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps mum and dad didn’t work out, but it could be the reason why mum found my stepdad.
Did I make a bad decision? Did I trust the wrong person? Should I blame him? Myself? My parents? My childhood?
My vision started to clear up, and I knew no matter how much I contemplated on incidents happening after precedent events, I would still want to be with Keson. All those walls were there, because I was scared to be discovered, afraid of being rejected again.
Is this meant to be? Is there really a meant to be?
I looked at Keson, recognising that my doubts were there because they wanted to protect me just in case he was indeed that villain in my mind. But how would I know if he is? For the time we have been together, and the fact that we are married… Maybe, maybe reality is indeed cruel and we will separate in the future. Do I want to sabotage the now in order to serve the unknown future?
I don’t think I do.
Keson held me tight as we went home. His gaze was warm and reassuring, as I noticed that we both grew, together, from the events and throughout time. I talked more, as he listened more. We both changed, for us, and to be better. There is still room for us to both improve, as I knew there is a reason why my doubts came back, and I have to work them out, starting by talking to him about it.
It is hard, but I am trying.
Could this be temporary? Or could this last, longer than what we both imagined?
I smiled at him.
I don’t know what’s going to happen from now on.
I was pregnant with his child, grateful and happier than ever, with him always by my side, knowing that he would never leave me.
But somehow, my doubt for his love came back, as I saw him promoted as the store manager and there was a new girl working in his store.
She was young and pretty, and even though I knew he would never cheat on me, I felt like she wanted something from him and wanted to get it no matter how. I knew that feeling was totally unjustified, but I could not stop feeling that way.
I went to see him every now and then, as my work started to get easier and I didn’t have to work that many long hours due to my pregnancy. When I went down to the store to see him, he was always so busy and even though I knew it was just work, I started to get jealous and angry.
My doubts towards him grew stronger and stronger everyday as he came home late.
It was just work, I knew, but I was more important to him than anything, right?
I was getting more and more aware and anxious.
I knew he would never just leave me like that, but then somehow in my mind, I just… I knew he wouldn’t but the insecurities grew like wild fire once it was sparked once again.
I always tried to be all nice and loving towards his return, pushed my doubts all the way deep inside my heart, and contained that wild fire with brick walls.
“Darling, do you want dinner?”
“No it is alright, I had dinner,” He kissed me on my forehead, “Please take some rest. If you want dinner I will cook for you. Don’t move around too much. Be careful and take care of our baby.”
“Okay,” I said, but not really feeling okay.
Was it antenatal depression? Or was my perception of him truly being cleared up and I started to see more issues about his personality?
I couldn’t help it but one day when he came back, I made dinner and told him to eat.
“Okay darling,” He said, sitting down at the table and started eating.
I looked at him with love, but also with total doubt. The fire burnt through the brick walls in my heart, and words spat out of my mouth to try to soothe that discomfort.
“I want to leave you.”
He looked up.
“What are you talking about? Is it because I have to work late? I am sorry, but I have more work now. I will try to let them know and come back earlier.”
He showed his care towards me and would try to compensate his schedule to favour me. I should just take it and be satisfied, but my brain continued its rant.
“I just want to leave you. I want to go and get out of here.”
I started becoming illogical, groundless and mental. I could not stop myself from having more and more negative thoughts and wanting him to show more of his care to soothe me and my feelings, to make me feel better. Maybe that’s the tactic my brain used unconsciously, to do the irrational in order to get the warm and loving feeling from him.
He stood up and hugged me.
I struggled a bit but then maybe because of my struggle, he took that as an act of rebellion. Or maybe he could not think straight, or he thought that I really wanted to go.
So, he hugged me tighter.
I wanted to melt in his arms, but somehow I struggled even more.
My act frightened myself, and it frightened him.
“No, please don’t,” The words slipped out of my mouth.
I struggled even harder and he looked horrified.
“Royane…”
I kept struggling and suddenly broke free of his embrace. Due to the momentum, my vulnerable body and imbalance, I fell back, hard onto the ground.
He looked at me, in shock, and then full of regret.
I looked up at him.
“I am sorry, I…” He said.
I wanted to run. I wanted to get away from there and just hide.
I was tired of myself, of all my expectations and doubtful thoughts.
But I knew that doesn’t solve anything.
I have learned time and time again that suppressing my feelings will just make them explode, like how the walls in my heart got burnt down by the flames of insecurity because instead of facing them head on, I hid them away.
“I’m so sorry…”
“I… I don’t know what to say. I felt insecure and I just wanted to let you care more about me.”
“Okay, I’ll let my work know, and I’ll stay home more…”
“Keson,” I looked at him, “I’m sorry.”
“Why?? No, it is my fault…”
Suddenly, I started to feel pain in my womb.
I squatted down as the pain got worse and started to sweat.
Keson got really worried, “Oh goodness, let me take you to the hospital.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While we waited, I decided to be brave and told him about my feelings.
“I started to have doubts about our relationship again. Ever since you started working a lot and there is this young and pretty girl in your workplace… I felt insecure, and my brain started to want to find ways to sabotage us, in order to force you to save it and show me ways in which you love me.”
Keson started to tear up as he hugged me and kissed my forehead.
“I don’t know whether to say you are silly or crazy.”
“Probably a bit of both,” I tried to smile but I was exhausted from my thoughts.
We stayed silent for a while.
“I hope you don’t mind me opening up to you like that. I…”
“No, not at all. I know how you don’t want to express feelings sometimes because you think that will risk our relationship.”
Is he going to say ‘but’?
I looked up at him.
“And, I want to reassure that, no one is going to be able to tear us apart except us.”
“Apparently I want to.”
“But I know you don’t actually want to, because that’s why we are having this conversation,” He held my hand, “And that’s why we are here together.”
The doctor called my name and I went in. They checked and everything looked fine so they sent us home.
I still don’t know what got into me, but time and time again, reality shows that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps mum and dad didn’t work out, but it could be the reason why mum found my stepdad.
Did I make a bad decision? Did I trust the wrong person? Should I blame him? Myself? My parents? My childhood?
My vision started to clear up, and I knew no matter how much I contemplated on incidents happening after precedent events, I would still want to be with Keson. All those walls were there, because I was scared to be discovered, afraid of being rejected again.
Is this meant to be? Is there really a meant to be?
I looked at Keson, recognising that my doubts were there because they wanted to protect me just in case he was indeed that villain in my mind. But how would I know if he is? For the time we have been together, and the fact that we are married… Maybe, maybe reality is indeed cruel and we will separate in the future. Do I want to sabotage the now in order to serve the unknown future?
I don’t think I do.
Keson held me tight as we went home. His gaze was warm and reassuring, as I noticed that we both grew, together, from the events and throughout time. I talked more, as he listened more. We both changed, for us, and to be better. There is still room for us to both improve, as I knew there is a reason why my doubts came back, and I have to work them out, starting by talking to him about it.
It is hard, but I am trying.
Could this be temporary? Or could this last, longer than what we both imagined?
I smiled at him.
I don’t know what’s going to happen from now on.
But who does?
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©Yolanda Yip (Wintsarye)
©Yolanda Yip (Wintsarye)
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