(Absolutely) Instructional Manual for How to Get Over a Breakup
The following article is completely satire. If you are looking for genuine help, please refer to professionals who are trained in the field and can provide professional advice.
So, you just broke up with your significant other. Broke up, split up, fell apart, or maybe you killed them, and you are now parted, in death and hell. Hell, as in where you are right now, which will be in jail, if you killed them.
No matter where you are, who you are, what you are, breakups mostly hurt. If they don’t hurt for you, then please search for other articles that are more suited to your situation. Recommended ones are: “How to Win the Breakup (Again)” and “How to Bury the Hatchet(s) (that killed my feelings)”.
Here are 7 steps you can follow, to finally, possibly, very likely, get over someone.
Step 1: Delete their Presence.
Yes. Delete it. If their faces, photos, ghosts are still around, then you can never get over them. Delete all photos, delete them off social media, exorcise their ghosts, burn all their clothes, or, better yet, donate them (burning them can be too dramatic and increase risks for hazards like out of control fires). Once you delete their presence out of your daily life, and start to purge them off your memories, proceed to the next step.
Step 2: Scream/Cry.
Screaming, or expressing your sorrow, anger and distress, can help you cope with the split. Drive, or, better yet, walk up a mountain for dopamine release from exercising, then scream at the top of your lungs up there. Try to ignore the scared birds that will not attack the source of that scream, and just, scream.
Warning – People could find that annoying, angering and frightening. Please proceed in moderation and disregard of people’s gaze.
Step 3: Be with/Talk to a Friend.
This is of utmost importance. After letting out your scream, it will be nice to be around someone you can talk to, about what you feel. Your friend could be a human, a bird (probably not the one you just scared away), or your pet. Best to find ones that can give you feedback and replies, so a gorilla will be a good choice, if you happen to be friends with one.
Note – If you prefer the solidarity and silence, then skip this step.
Step 4: Drink water.
What is the best way to detoxify a relationship that was in the past? Drink water. Water helps your body detoxify and purges the old. Guess what, when you purge the old, then you will finally have space for the new. If it works for your body, it works for your mind.
Step 5: Stare at a Wall.
Exactly what it says. Let your mind go blank. Look at the wall, focus on the patterns if there are any, and if there aren’t any, make sure you are not seeing any patterns. If you catch yourself thinking about anything else, focus back on the wall. Do that for 15 minutes daily. Let your mind cleanse and rest itself, slowly, but surely.
Step 6: Sleep.
Sometimes, sleeping it off is good. Give your brain time to rest, give your body time to rest. A breakup can be draining to the body and soul. Unless you dream of them when you sleep. In that case, sleep until you stop dreaming of them.
Warning – If you have regular work hours, then this probably won’t be a good idea. Only proceed during holidays and when other duties are fulfilled.
Step 7: Drink green smoothies.
In order to be reminded that there are bitterer things in life than a breakup, you can stomach some green smoothies down your tracts. If you love them, however, just use them solely for the purpose of, yes, cleansing. Out with the nasties, and in with the new and hopefully not nasties. The possible pain that comes with the cleanse will also help divert your mind from the other pain that you were experiencing. Yes, it is in the past now.
Warning – Please use in moderation. Make sure you are hydrated and pair it with a balanced diet.
If all else fails, Step 8: Get a Memory Cleanse
When you read this in the future, maybe there will be a way to delete memories of a specific individual in some clinics. If that is an option, and everything else you’ve done haven’t worked, then proceed to book an appointment at those clinics.
Remember, your relationship doesn’t define you. You, your experience and what you’ve learned define you, and no one can take that away from you.
Lastly, the old saying “time will heal all wounds” is true.
So, let it heal them.
So, you just broke up with your significant other. Broke up, split up, fell apart, or maybe you killed them, and you are now parted, in death and hell. Hell, as in where you are right now, which will be in jail, if you killed them.
No matter where you are, who you are, what you are, breakups mostly hurt. If they don’t hurt for you, then please search for other articles that are more suited to your situation. Recommended ones are: “How to Win the Breakup (Again)” and “How to Bury the Hatchet(s) (that killed my feelings)”.
Here are 7 steps you can follow, to finally, possibly, very likely, get over someone.
Step 1: Delete their Presence.
Yes. Delete it. If their faces, photos, ghosts are still around, then you can never get over them. Delete all photos, delete them off social media, exorcise their ghosts, burn all their clothes, or, better yet, donate them (burning them can be too dramatic and increase risks for hazards like out of control fires). Once you delete their presence out of your daily life, and start to purge them off your memories, proceed to the next step.
Step 2: Scream/Cry.
Screaming, or expressing your sorrow, anger and distress, can help you cope with the split. Drive, or, better yet, walk up a mountain for dopamine release from exercising, then scream at the top of your lungs up there. Try to ignore the scared birds that will not attack the source of that scream, and just, scream.
Warning – People could find that annoying, angering and frightening. Please proceed in moderation and disregard of people’s gaze.
Step 3: Be with/Talk to a Friend.
This is of utmost importance. After letting out your scream, it will be nice to be around someone you can talk to, about what you feel. Your friend could be a human, a bird (probably not the one you just scared away), or your pet. Best to find ones that can give you feedback and replies, so a gorilla will be a good choice, if you happen to be friends with one.
Note – If you prefer the solidarity and silence, then skip this step.
Step 4: Drink water.
What is the best way to detoxify a relationship that was in the past? Drink water. Water helps your body detoxify and purges the old. Guess what, when you purge the old, then you will finally have space for the new. If it works for your body, it works for your mind.
Step 5: Stare at a Wall.
Exactly what it says. Let your mind go blank. Look at the wall, focus on the patterns if there are any, and if there aren’t any, make sure you are not seeing any patterns. If you catch yourself thinking about anything else, focus back on the wall. Do that for 15 minutes daily. Let your mind cleanse and rest itself, slowly, but surely.
Step 6: Sleep.
Sometimes, sleeping it off is good. Give your brain time to rest, give your body time to rest. A breakup can be draining to the body and soul. Unless you dream of them when you sleep. In that case, sleep until you stop dreaming of them.
Warning – If you have regular work hours, then this probably won’t be a good idea. Only proceed during holidays and when other duties are fulfilled.
Step 7: Drink green smoothies.
In order to be reminded that there are bitterer things in life than a breakup, you can stomach some green smoothies down your tracts. If you love them, however, just use them solely for the purpose of, yes, cleansing. Out with the nasties, and in with the new and hopefully not nasties. The possible pain that comes with the cleanse will also help divert your mind from the other pain that you were experiencing. Yes, it is in the past now.
Warning – Please use in moderation. Make sure you are hydrated and pair it with a balanced diet.
If all else fails, Step 8: Get a Memory Cleanse
When you read this in the future, maybe there will be a way to delete memories of a specific individual in some clinics. If that is an option, and everything else you’ve done haven’t worked, then proceed to book an appointment at those clinics.
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Remember, your relationship doesn’t define you. You, your experience and what you’ve learned define you, and no one can take that away from you.
Lastly, the old saying “time will heal all wounds” is true.
So, let it heal them.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
©Yolanda Yip (Wintsarye)
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