Escaping from Nothing | Chapter 15: The Cut
We met at a dining place nearby. I could not stop noticing the fact that even though all the decorations there were beautiful, they did not lighten my inner mood. I thought, and knew that our relationship would end anytime soon, because I would eventually try and cross the line.
“So, how have you been?” He asked.
I smiled, “I have been alright, just busy with work.”
We hadn’t talk for quite a while. It was a Sunday and a long while since we last reached out to one another. It seemed like he liked to talk to me in person, maybe to balance out his life or just to feel better.
Was I his remedy? Someone he could meet and feel better instantly? Either way, I knew he would not reciprocate my intimate feelings for him. The ones that developed from my countless dreams of him connecting intimately with me.
I had to cut off our real-life interactions, or I could go crazy. I would mix up reality and my dreams. I did not want to lose him forever, in real life or otherwise.
“I have been thinking,” He said.
“Not about me, certainly,” I said.
“Ermm…” He raised his eyebrows a bit.
I turned a bit sombre. I should not feel anything anymore. In the past, when I dreamt of him for the very first time, the thought of not being able to have him tortured me. I should already feel numb and get used to it, just like how I should get used to carrying around the heavy lighting equipment.
“I have been thinking about what you said. I guess you were right about perspectives, that many of us cannot succeed in certain ways, but then it drives us to our targets.”
I did not remember saying that. I just smiled and listened to him.
He continued talking…but I somehow could not be a good listener anymore.
I tuned out. I could not listen and take in a single word he said.
My mind was occupied with my well-thought plan of leaving him and how I could leave him.
But how could I leave him? How can I?
To be fair, we were not even in a relationship, other than a friendship. So as far as things are considered, it could only be called breaking ties. However, I still could not get my head around doing so.
He was all that was on my mind… and knowing well that he did not feel the same, broke me.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At that point, something clicked.
I knew what I was running away from...
I was running away from emptiness. The long felt feeling that was the emptiness in my heart, wanting to fill it with something, someone.
It was something that never really occurred to me until I met him, knowing that I was no one, and nothing to him other than a friend when it was convenient, when I really wanted to be more than a friend to him. Yet I still wanted to stick around, wanting him in my life to fill that gap even though it was hurting me.
I fell in love with him, the ‘him’ in my dreams. But dreams and reality are always different.
I was running away from the cruel truth. The cruel truth that was I could never escape the emptiness if it was meant to be there, guiding and driving me.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I am sorry Niann, but I cannot listen anymore,” I said, knowing well it would confuse him.
“I tuned out and even though I shouldn’t, I did. It is not because you are not a good listener, but it is because we both know very well that I feel more about you than you feel about this. This is not working for you, or me.”
He looked at me calmly, in slight surprise, confronted by my confession and immediate feelings.
We kept our silence for a long while, until I broke it.
“I know what you think and feel, and that it is not what I want. You only see me as a friend.”
I would love to prove myself wrong, but then I had to say it out loud, just to make myself believe. I held a little bit of hope where he would prove me wrong, said that he loved me, like from a romantic movie. I hoped everything would turn out the way my dreams were, with him by my bed and sharing intimate moments.
However, I knew dreams and reality are not the same, and even though I was trying my best to make myself believe that, I could not convince myself.
I should have believed myself, in this sense, in this case, in this situation, instead of having delusions about a man I barely knew.
“Yes, I only do think of you as a friend,” He said, calmly, a bit broken.
That was it. Our bond was broken.
“We can still be friends. I really do treasure you as a friend,” He said.
I was no longer listening.
I shook my head, “No, this is hard. This is going to be hard when I want you more. I want you and being with you makes me overthink about you and the situation.”
My mind then wandered. I heard him say it again, that we could stay friends. It should not strike me, but then I let him hurt me, even though he had no intention to.
I was hurting myself.
He stabbed his blade of cruel truth inside my heart and stopped halfway. Then he took my hand with his and pushed it in all the way.
I could not bear the metaphorical pain that slowly turns into actual physical pain. Now, at this moment of my life, I finally knew what a heartbreak felt like.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
©Yolanda Yip (Wintsarye)
“So, how have you been?” He asked.
I smiled, “I have been alright, just busy with work.”
We hadn’t talk for quite a while. It was a Sunday and a long while since we last reached out to one another. It seemed like he liked to talk to me in person, maybe to balance out his life or just to feel better.
Was I his remedy? Someone he could meet and feel better instantly? Either way, I knew he would not reciprocate my intimate feelings for him. The ones that developed from my countless dreams of him connecting intimately with me.
I had to cut off our real-life interactions, or I could go crazy. I would mix up reality and my dreams. I did not want to lose him forever, in real life or otherwise.
“I have been thinking,” He said.
“Not about me, certainly,” I said.
“Ermm…” He raised his eyebrows a bit.
I turned a bit sombre. I should not feel anything anymore. In the past, when I dreamt of him for the very first time, the thought of not being able to have him tortured me. I should already feel numb and get used to it, just like how I should get used to carrying around the heavy lighting equipment.
“I have been thinking about what you said. I guess you were right about perspectives, that many of us cannot succeed in certain ways, but then it drives us to our targets.”
I did not remember saying that. I just smiled and listened to him.
He continued talking…but I somehow could not be a good listener anymore.
I tuned out. I could not listen and take in a single word he said.
My mind was occupied with my well-thought plan of leaving him and how I could leave him.
But how could I leave him? How can I?
To be fair, we were not even in a relationship, other than a friendship. So as far as things are considered, it could only be called breaking ties. However, I still could not get my head around doing so.
He was all that was on my mind… and knowing well that he did not feel the same, broke me.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At that point, something clicked.
I knew what I was running away from...
I was running away from emptiness. The long felt feeling that was the emptiness in my heart, wanting to fill it with something, someone.
It was something that never really occurred to me until I met him, knowing that I was no one, and nothing to him other than a friend when it was convenient, when I really wanted to be more than a friend to him. Yet I still wanted to stick around, wanting him in my life to fill that gap even though it was hurting me.
I fell in love with him, the ‘him’ in my dreams. But dreams and reality are always different.
I was running away from the cruel truth. The cruel truth that was I could never escape the emptiness if it was meant to be there, guiding and driving me.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I am sorry Niann, but I cannot listen anymore,” I said, knowing well it would confuse him.
“I tuned out and even though I shouldn’t, I did. It is not because you are not a good listener, but it is because we both know very well that I feel more about you than you feel about this. This is not working for you, or me.”
He looked at me calmly, in slight surprise, confronted by my confession and immediate feelings.
We kept our silence for a long while, until I broke it.
“I know what you think and feel, and that it is not what I want. You only see me as a friend.”
I would love to prove myself wrong, but then I had to say it out loud, just to make myself believe. I held a little bit of hope where he would prove me wrong, said that he loved me, like from a romantic movie. I hoped everything would turn out the way my dreams were, with him by my bed and sharing intimate moments.
However, I knew dreams and reality are not the same, and even though I was trying my best to make myself believe that, I could not convince myself.
I should have believed myself, in this sense, in this case, in this situation, instead of having delusions about a man I barely knew.
“Yes, I only do think of you as a friend,” He said, calmly, a bit broken.
That was it. Our bond was broken.
“We can still be friends. I really do treasure you as a friend,” He said.
I was no longer listening.
I shook my head, “No, this is hard. This is going to be hard when I want you more. I want you and being with you makes me overthink about you and the situation.”
My mind then wandered. I heard him say it again, that we could stay friends. It should not strike me, but then I let him hurt me, even though he had no intention to.
I was hurting myself.
He stabbed his blade of cruel truth inside my heart and stopped halfway. Then he took my hand with his and pushed it in all the way.
I could not bear the metaphorical pain that slowly turns into actual physical pain. Now, at this moment of my life, I finally knew what a heartbreak felt like.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
©Yolanda Yip (Wintsarye)
Comments
Post a Comment