Escaping from Nothing | Last Chapter: No Longer Running
I kept drinking at the bar. It seemed like me going there almost every Monday had led to the staff recognising my face and order.
“You would like a beer?” The bartender said.
I nodded. He smiled and went ahead with my order.
Everything about Niann ended.
I cut off all my connections with him, on social media at least. He never got my phone number, so it seemed easy on both of us.
I never had real relationships, but this not-actual-relationship hurt me. Maybe it was because of the dreams, and all the commotion that was happening.
Somehow this bar was either famous or a bar of convenience, as I saw someone walking towards me again.
“Daryl,” She said.
I looked up.
She looked pretty, but tired with dark eye circles. She seemed thinner.
“Jalila.”
She sat next to me. She smiled, embarrassed.
“I heard that you ran into Laver last time in this bar. So, I came to see if you will be here.”
I tried to smile, “Well, here I am.”
She wanted to smile and say something, but I was getting a bit tipsy and I didn’t feel like listening to anyone anymore.
So, I started talking.
“You see, I never get drunk, unless I want to. Tonight, I feel like it is the night. You can watch me for the night, or you can go. But I am sure I can take care of myself, because I am wearing pants and I can still kick hard on someone’s lower and sensitive parts if they want to mess with me,” I said, and continued, no longer caring what was coming out of my mouth.
“So, you don’t have to worry. Did you ever even worry? I do not think so. We stopped talking and somehow our friendship just ended there. We had great times, you know. We had long and personal talks, but then you just left as if it never happened. You didn’t even told me you got fucking married.”
She looked at me.
I felt safe in her eyes. She was always protective of me. But then, at the bar, she looked thin and tired, not that once fit and glowing girl I knew.
I started to tear up. I quickly wiped it away. I never wanted to cry in front of anyone. I felt like everyone has betrayed me, and no longer giving me the energy I once craved. Maybe the alcohol was also working its depressive effect on me.
“The topic never came across, and we wanted to keep it low profile,” She said.
“We were best friends. We could’ve stayed best friends.”
“We still are. Not talking doesn’t mean we are not close friends anymore.”
She lifted me up and hugged me tight. I could not help but started to cry.
“Marriage is hard. Sleeping on the same bed with someone every night is hard. Especially when you have to fight for a portion of that blanket,” She said.
I chuckled from my teared down face.
She released me, and I looked at her.
“That’s sort of why I got thinner and all,” She said.
She knew me so well, better than anyone else did. They always wanted me to listen, but Jalila always wanted me to talk. I did not have to anyways, she can answer all my questions.
“I am sorry if you felt offended for not knowing.”
I looked into her eyes, “I guess sometimes not knowing is better than knowing.”
Niann unwantedly came across in my mind. He had talks with me, and they were personal talks. Those were the great times we had. We should have more of those times. Then I knew about him, and he knew about me… and everything just fell apart.
Maybe this is life. Somethings always go wrong, but then something else will compensate and go right for once.
I looked at Jalila.
“I am glad you found me,” I said.
“I am glad I had the motive to, and could actually find you in such a… busy place.”
She smiled.
I smiled back at her.
I have been running away from reality, trying to find myself a safe ground, somewhere where someone belonged to me.
Now I realise, there is so much more in this reality than in dreams, and that I should never let one person let me down just because I discovered they are different from my dreams.
I have been escaping from being someone’s nothing, wounded and scarred along the way, trying to cling onto anyone who could give me comfort. Turns out I have to walk towards the light, take a lonesome journey, before I can find someone genuine who can join me on this journey.
Knowing this, I know I will be able to step into the light, rather than hiding behind them. I will make myself known even if the light is not bright enough, even if I am in a crowd and my voice is not loud enough.
I am not fully adequate, but I will remember that I can be, and work towards it. I can embrace myself, instead of escaping from nothing.
THE END
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Fun facts about “Escaping from Nothing”
©Yolanda Yip (Wintsarye)
“You would like a beer?” The bartender said.
I nodded. He smiled and went ahead with my order.
Everything about Niann ended.
I cut off all my connections with him, on social media at least. He never got my phone number, so it seemed easy on both of us.
I never had real relationships, but this not-actual-relationship hurt me. Maybe it was because of the dreams, and all the commotion that was happening.
Somehow this bar was either famous or a bar of convenience, as I saw someone walking towards me again.
“Daryl,” She said.
I looked up.
She looked pretty, but tired with dark eye circles. She seemed thinner.
“Jalila.”
She sat next to me. She smiled, embarrassed.
“I heard that you ran into Laver last time in this bar. So, I came to see if you will be here.”
I tried to smile, “Well, here I am.”
She wanted to smile and say something, but I was getting a bit tipsy and I didn’t feel like listening to anyone anymore.
So, I started talking.
“You see, I never get drunk, unless I want to. Tonight, I feel like it is the night. You can watch me for the night, or you can go. But I am sure I can take care of myself, because I am wearing pants and I can still kick hard on someone’s lower and sensitive parts if they want to mess with me,” I said, and continued, no longer caring what was coming out of my mouth.
“So, you don’t have to worry. Did you ever even worry? I do not think so. We stopped talking and somehow our friendship just ended there. We had great times, you know. We had long and personal talks, but then you just left as if it never happened. You didn’t even told me you got fucking married.”
She looked at me.
I felt safe in her eyes. She was always protective of me. But then, at the bar, she looked thin and tired, not that once fit and glowing girl I knew.
I started to tear up. I quickly wiped it away. I never wanted to cry in front of anyone. I felt like everyone has betrayed me, and no longer giving me the energy I once craved. Maybe the alcohol was also working its depressive effect on me.
“The topic never came across, and we wanted to keep it low profile,” She said.
“We were best friends. We could’ve stayed best friends.”
“We still are. Not talking doesn’t mean we are not close friends anymore.”
She lifted me up and hugged me tight. I could not help but started to cry.
“Marriage is hard. Sleeping on the same bed with someone every night is hard. Especially when you have to fight for a portion of that blanket,” She said.
I chuckled from my teared down face.
She released me, and I looked at her.
“That’s sort of why I got thinner and all,” She said.
She knew me so well, better than anyone else did. They always wanted me to listen, but Jalila always wanted me to talk. I did not have to anyways, she can answer all my questions.
“I am sorry if you felt offended for not knowing.”
I looked into her eyes, “I guess sometimes not knowing is better than knowing.”
Niann unwantedly came across in my mind. He had talks with me, and they were personal talks. Those were the great times we had. We should have more of those times. Then I knew about him, and he knew about me… and everything just fell apart.
Maybe this is life. Somethings always go wrong, but then something else will compensate and go right for once.
I looked at Jalila.
“I am glad you found me,” I said.
“I am glad I had the motive to, and could actually find you in such a… busy place.”
She smiled.
I smiled back at her.
I have been running away from reality, trying to find myself a safe ground, somewhere where someone belonged to me.
Now I realise, there is so much more in this reality than in dreams, and that I should never let one person let me down just because I discovered they are different from my dreams.
I have been escaping from being someone’s nothing, wounded and scarred along the way, trying to cling onto anyone who could give me comfort. Turns out I have to walk towards the light, take a lonesome journey, before I can find someone genuine who can join me on this journey.
Knowing this, I know I will be able to step into the light, rather than hiding behind them. I will make myself known even if the light is not bright enough, even if I am in a crowd and my voice is not loud enough.
I am not fully adequate, but I will remember that I can be, and work towards it. I can embrace myself, instead of escaping from nothing.
THE END
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fun facts about “Escaping from Nothing”
- I wrote this story back in 2015 when I attended a lighting workshop and later worked as a lighting assistant for a play produced in my university
- I started this story with only the first sentence and kept writing from there onwards
- I didn’t know what the protagonist’s name was going to be until later. I wanted to do a play on words, which proved to work since it created a way for her to deny anyone calling her “darling”
- I didn’t want to reveal her name early on so we get to see her from different perspectives before we know her by her name
- Kael’s name is pronounced similarly to “Kale” (yes, the vegetable)
©Yolanda Yip (Wintsarye)
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