Wintsarye

Out of either curiosity, or mere hopefulness, I went back to the convenience store after two weeks or so. I took a long time because I had to really, really think it through. I saw him there and I started to panic. He was checking out some customer’s goods, smiling at them and telling them to have a nice day. He really did that to everyone, didn’t he? He then turned and saw me. I had no choice but to step inside the store. “Hey,” He said “Hey,” I said. I hoped it just ended here. “I was being serious. I do care about you and I do like you. Maybe you can’t really see that because we only met a few times, but I felt like we really could take a step forward.” He must know what I was thinking, or why I came after two weeks. I hoped he shut up or never speak, but he did and I was forced to reply. “Okay,” I said, not feeling or acknowledging it. That was all I could utter out of my mou...

I was never really an impulsive person, but somehow Keson changed this quality in me. Was it good? Or was it bad? I don’t really know. I just know I was then standing outside the convenience store, broken deep inside, possibly desperate for love. Keson was a kind and caring person, but did that mean he will like me in return? It didn’t seem possible. I was just a customer who visited the store he worked in, and he probably just had to be nice. Maybe I wanted to turn his image in my mind into reality too badly. I don’t even know. At that very moment, I felt like if I didn’t confess, I will regret my whole life (more realistically, it will just be for a while but it will still have a big impact on me). I stepped into the store and Keson was not on duty. I went towards the back of the store and didn’t see him walking around there either. My courage was fading, but then I saw him walk out of the storage room. I could not support myself. I was slipping away, but I still mana...

I met Keson on a breezy Thursday morning. There was a lecture that morning but I didn’t go because it was recorded and attendance was not compulsory. Plus I just rushed through my essay the night before. I had all kinds of excuses for my behaviour, but the truth is, I felt like watching a movie, so I wandered to a movie theatre nearby and bought a ticket to a movie that was on that morning. I had no idea what the movie was about before going in. Turns out it was a sad movie, about a death in the family that brought the rest of the family together. I could never stand the thought of someone’s death, even though I knew it is the reality, and everyone will die at some point. It is just too sorrowful to think about. The fact that someone in your life, someone you could touch and talk to, someone you care about, could suddenly just be gone. The lighting of the movie theatre was dim and I left sobbing. These all combined to make me feel dizzy when I stepped out into ...

I did not know what got into me. It just did. Heart breaks, heart aches… you name it, I have been through it. But somehow, something just got into me, and made me chase disappointments, one after another. I never understood what mum meant by ‘having someone you will love for a lifetime’, or what my stepdad meant by ‘having someone by your side for a lifetime’, or what my dad meant by ‘having someone who will cherish you for a lifetime’. A ‘lifetime’. It sounds so easy. Like it can be measured and recorded on a scale. A highway that has a visible start and end. And that ‘someone’ sounds so accessible. Like a piece of scrap paper you can obtain effortlessly somewhere on your messy work desk. Like how your right hand can nimbly grab your left arm. Love, or whatever the connection is called between two intimate human beings, never seems to last though, despite what they all said. Not with mum and dad, not with mum and her former lover, not with my stepdad and his ex-wife. When I was yo...