Twist and Tear | Chapter 4: First Date
Out of either curiosity, or mere hopefulness, I went back to the convenience store after two weeks or so.
I took a long time because I had to really, really think it through.
I saw him there and I started to panic.
He was checking out some customer’s goods, smiling at them and telling them to have a nice day.
He really did that to everyone, didn’t he?
He then turned and saw me. I had no choice but to step inside the store.
“Hey,” He said
“Hey,” I said.
I hoped it just ended here.
“I was being serious. I do care about you and I do like you. Maybe you can’t really see that because we only met a few times, but I felt like we really could take a step forward.”
He must know what I was thinking, or why I came after two weeks.
I hoped he shut up or never speak, but he did and I was forced to reply.
“Okay,” I said, not feeling or acknowledging it.
That was all I could utter out of my mouth.
He smiled at me, “My work ends at 3pm. We can go out and talk then.”
I smiled back, feeling really uncomfortable with how everything was going so well. I felt like he was not going to hurt me, and I was not going to really screw this up. Feeling that hopeful was not something I was used to.
“Alright,” I smiled back.
I walked around the area, and somehow managed to waste my time and wander back into the convenient store near to 3pm. Maybe I did subconsciously want this to work too, and that was why I did this, somehow.
“Hey, I am done now,” He said, packing away things.
He had changed into his casual clothing and put away his uniform.
“Yeah,” I walked over, smiling nervously.
I didn’t really know this guy, but it seemed like my attraction to him made me feel like he might not be a bad guy. At least not some sort of criminal.
He walked over after tidying his stuff and smiled at me brightly.
“Don’t worry, we will get to know each other better,” He said, walking out of the store with me.
“Yeah, we don’t really know each other very well,” I said, trying to sound calm.
“Well, at least I saved your life once.”
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We were sitting in a local restaurant near the convenience store that had relatively cheap food.
I looked around me, then at him, smiling like an idiot.
I really did not want to believe this. I really thought it was not going to work, and that I eventually had to let go of him because I thought he didn’t actually like me that much. I mean, I confessed. And if I didn’t, maybe this would never have happened.
Just as I was thinking, he looked at me and smiled.
I could not get enough of his smile. He smiled so sincerely, as if the world was all under his control and he embraced the world as a whole, like everything was going to be okay.
My heart and brain really wanted to let him go, thinking this was not logical, thinking this was not solid and real. But then my mouth and limbs just got weak and I could not possibly just say: ‘I cannot do this, I am going to leave’.
I opened my mouth, then closed it, then opened it again, trying to say something but then he ordered food and I could not say anything.
“I would like this meal,” He smiled, then looked at me.
I didn’t look at the menu at all.
I was too absorbed in thinking that I forgot to read.
“I’ll have… whatever he is having.”
My mind was way out of the situation that I did not even care what food I was going to have.
“Sure, it will be ready in 10 minutes,” The waiter was a local down-to-earth man who seemed pretty familiar with his job.
He wrote down our order and left right away.
I looked at Keson and he looked back, smiling.
Could he just stop smiling for a bit? It made me feel so bad for thinking that he could be a terrible person who will toy with my emotions, since he accepted me so quickly.
He seemed so nice. Too nice.
“So, what are you currently doing?” He asked.
I was shy and my mouth got a bit dry, “Uhh, sitting here and waiting for food?”
He laughed, “I mean, are you working? Studying?”
“I just finished my degree so I am currently looking for a job,” I smiled, embarrassed.
“What were you studying?”
“Sociology.”
“That sounds pretty neat.”
I looked at him, waiting for him to talk about himself. I didn’t want to actually ask, because I kind of hoped our interaction would just end and we could leave and never see each other again.
But then, my legs were not going to run, and he would never just suddenly stop talking to me.
“I started working at the store when I was 18. I couldn’t get into a university. You are very lucky to have the opportunity to be in one.”
I didn’t know what to say. He didn’t seem upset but I didn’t want to say anything that could offend him.
“I am okay with not having a degree. I guess I have to proceed to have a more professional career, but right now I am just working for living.”
“Well, at least you got a job,” I said, or rather, whispered.
I could not find myself a job or land on anything. Having a sociology degree was quite broad. It seemed like it was hard to land a job during those days as well.
He didn’t seem to notice my whisper, and continued with his talk, “I like my job. It is not that hard. I heard that if I work long and hard enough, I could be promoted to store manager someday.”
I smiled at him, “Well, good luck.”
He smiled at me, “I hope my hard work can be seen by my boss. I really am working hard.”
“Good on you.”
He looked at me, and our conversation could just end there. But somehow he managed to continue.
“I like my life. Do you like yours?”
Thinking of my past life, six failed relationships, and an almost traumatizing childhood caused by my obsessive beliefs, I thought I never did.
But I actually did like my life, and somehow I started to like it more, because Keson came into it.
“Yes.”
“That is good.”
I really liked him.
It never really happened before but I didn’t mind giving him all the attention. I didn’t really like attention on me after all.
He didn’t seem like a total stranger to me, after listening to him for a while. He talked about his childhood, his family, and his sister. He really liked his sister, and very protective of her.
“My sister had an ex-boyfriend who never liked picking up her phone calls. I decided to track him down and almost beat him up because I realised he was lying to her about his whereabouts. He went to a strip club when he told her he was working.”
“Wow, I guess your sister could never get hurt by anyone then. Considering if they do, they will get hurt by you.”
He laughed then thought for a while.
“Well, even though I am very protective of her, she still gets emotionally hurt from the relationships. It happens.”
He then talked about his past relationships, “I never really had a good long term relationship with a girl. My last girlfriend was really nice. But then her family thought I was too poor and economically unstable for her. It was a lame excuse, but it happened and she broke up with me because of that.”
I looked at him. He didn’t look too damaged, but a slight sorrow flashed through his eyes and I suddenly felt really bad for him.
“My last relationship ended because the guy thought I was too realistic. He thought I never made him feel loved.” I said.
“Well, my last relationship ended because her parents were too realistic about her being cared for. I guess even making her feel loved didn’t mean anything to them, or her, to some degree. It was probably worse than yours,” He said.
I would not argue about our misfortune. At that point, I even thought it was cool.
I shouldn’t have thought it was, because then what happened later would not have happened.
My mind was fogged by my amusement towards his acceptance of my confession, and that somehow blurred my rationality. Thinking about that now makes me feel, so profoundly idiotic.
I now think very negatively about this one-upping behaviour, but at that moment, I did not. I felt good about it. I thought maybe someone would care about me more, and that maybe for once in my life or his, we will have a successful relationship.
And maybe, the reality of never happy endings might not always be the reality.
He went on and on about his relationships and family, and I was very happy just being there, listening to him. He seemed so happy with his life. He sometimes asked me questions and I would answer, but then he would go on.
I really didn’t mind.
Somehow we landed on the talk about our childhood and what happened.
I told him about me almost burning down the pile of books. He laughed and told me his horrific story of actually burning down his house.
“I was simply toying with cooking with my sister,” He said, “And somehow I got to the stove, turned the flame on and didn’t realise there was a towel nearby that caught on fire. It started to burn and everything went downhill from there.”
I smiled, listening to his story, thinking how fortunate I was because that didn’t happen to me.
“I was so lucky that I didn’t get burnt or anything. No one was hurt but my parents did almost want to kill me. I was so little then. I didn’t really understand. Now I do,” He said, smiling.
I thought, he was lucky that he didn’t get burnt, or else he might not even be here, and I might not be able to sit in front of him, listening to his ongoing stories.
I really enjoyed the time spent with him, with food or without. But then as we started to actually eat, I had to tune out from his talks because the food was really spicy, and I could not handle spicy food.
I really regretted the fact that I said I’ll have whatever he ordered.
I should have known better.
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©Yolanda Yip (Wintsarye)
I took a long time because I had to really, really think it through.
I saw him there and I started to panic.
He was checking out some customer’s goods, smiling at them and telling them to have a nice day.
He really did that to everyone, didn’t he?
He then turned and saw me. I had no choice but to step inside the store.
“Hey,” He said
“Hey,” I said.
I hoped it just ended here.
“I was being serious. I do care about you and I do like you. Maybe you can’t really see that because we only met a few times, but I felt like we really could take a step forward.”
He must know what I was thinking, or why I came after two weeks.
I hoped he shut up or never speak, but he did and I was forced to reply.
“Okay,” I said, not feeling or acknowledging it.
That was all I could utter out of my mouth.
He smiled at me, “My work ends at 3pm. We can go out and talk then.”
I smiled back, feeling really uncomfortable with how everything was going so well. I felt like he was not going to hurt me, and I was not going to really screw this up. Feeling that hopeful was not something I was used to.
“Alright,” I smiled back.
I walked around the area, and somehow managed to waste my time and wander back into the convenient store near to 3pm. Maybe I did subconsciously want this to work too, and that was why I did this, somehow.
“Hey, I am done now,” He said, packing away things.
He had changed into his casual clothing and put away his uniform.
“Yeah,” I walked over, smiling nervously.
I didn’t really know this guy, but it seemed like my attraction to him made me feel like he might not be a bad guy. At least not some sort of criminal.
He walked over after tidying his stuff and smiled at me brightly.
“Don’t worry, we will get to know each other better,” He said, walking out of the store with me.
“Yeah, we don’t really know each other very well,” I said, trying to sound calm.
“Well, at least I saved your life once.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We were sitting in a local restaurant near the convenience store that had relatively cheap food.
I looked around me, then at him, smiling like an idiot.
I really did not want to believe this. I really thought it was not going to work, and that I eventually had to let go of him because I thought he didn’t actually like me that much. I mean, I confessed. And if I didn’t, maybe this would never have happened.
Just as I was thinking, he looked at me and smiled.
I could not get enough of his smile. He smiled so sincerely, as if the world was all under his control and he embraced the world as a whole, like everything was going to be okay.
My heart and brain really wanted to let him go, thinking this was not logical, thinking this was not solid and real. But then my mouth and limbs just got weak and I could not possibly just say: ‘I cannot do this, I am going to leave’.
I opened my mouth, then closed it, then opened it again, trying to say something but then he ordered food and I could not say anything.
“I would like this meal,” He smiled, then looked at me.
I didn’t look at the menu at all.
I was too absorbed in thinking that I forgot to read.
“I’ll have… whatever he is having.”
My mind was way out of the situation that I did not even care what food I was going to have.
“Sure, it will be ready in 10 minutes,” The waiter was a local down-to-earth man who seemed pretty familiar with his job.
He wrote down our order and left right away.
I looked at Keson and he looked back, smiling.
Could he just stop smiling for a bit? It made me feel so bad for thinking that he could be a terrible person who will toy with my emotions, since he accepted me so quickly.
He seemed so nice. Too nice.
“So, what are you currently doing?” He asked.
I was shy and my mouth got a bit dry, “Uhh, sitting here and waiting for food?”
He laughed, “I mean, are you working? Studying?”
“I just finished my degree so I am currently looking for a job,” I smiled, embarrassed.
“What were you studying?”
“Sociology.”
“That sounds pretty neat.”
I looked at him, waiting for him to talk about himself. I didn’t want to actually ask, because I kind of hoped our interaction would just end and we could leave and never see each other again.
But then, my legs were not going to run, and he would never just suddenly stop talking to me.
“I started working at the store when I was 18. I couldn’t get into a university. You are very lucky to have the opportunity to be in one.”
I didn’t know what to say. He didn’t seem upset but I didn’t want to say anything that could offend him.
“I am okay with not having a degree. I guess I have to proceed to have a more professional career, but right now I am just working for living.”
“Well, at least you got a job,” I said, or rather, whispered.
I could not find myself a job or land on anything. Having a sociology degree was quite broad. It seemed like it was hard to land a job during those days as well.
He didn’t seem to notice my whisper, and continued with his talk, “I like my job. It is not that hard. I heard that if I work long and hard enough, I could be promoted to store manager someday.”
I smiled at him, “Well, good luck.”
He smiled at me, “I hope my hard work can be seen by my boss. I really am working hard.”
“Good on you.”
He looked at me, and our conversation could just end there. But somehow he managed to continue.
“I like my life. Do you like yours?”
Thinking of my past life, six failed relationships, and an almost traumatizing childhood caused by my obsessive beliefs, I thought I never did.
But I actually did like my life, and somehow I started to like it more, because Keson came into it.
“Yes.”
“That is good.”
I really liked him.
It never really happened before but I didn’t mind giving him all the attention. I didn’t really like attention on me after all.
He didn’t seem like a total stranger to me, after listening to him for a while. He talked about his childhood, his family, and his sister. He really liked his sister, and very protective of her.
“My sister had an ex-boyfriend who never liked picking up her phone calls. I decided to track him down and almost beat him up because I realised he was lying to her about his whereabouts. He went to a strip club when he told her he was working.”
“Wow, I guess your sister could never get hurt by anyone then. Considering if they do, they will get hurt by you.”
He laughed then thought for a while.
“Well, even though I am very protective of her, she still gets emotionally hurt from the relationships. It happens.”
He then talked about his past relationships, “I never really had a good long term relationship with a girl. My last girlfriend was really nice. But then her family thought I was too poor and economically unstable for her. It was a lame excuse, but it happened and she broke up with me because of that.”
I looked at him. He didn’t look too damaged, but a slight sorrow flashed through his eyes and I suddenly felt really bad for him.
“My last relationship ended because the guy thought I was too realistic. He thought I never made him feel loved.” I said.
“Well, my last relationship ended because her parents were too realistic about her being cared for. I guess even making her feel loved didn’t mean anything to them, or her, to some degree. It was probably worse than yours,” He said.
I would not argue about our misfortune. At that point, I even thought it was cool.
I shouldn’t have thought it was, because then what happened later would not have happened.
My mind was fogged by my amusement towards his acceptance of my confession, and that somehow blurred my rationality. Thinking about that now makes me feel, so profoundly idiotic.
I now think very negatively about this one-upping behaviour, but at that moment, I did not. I felt good about it. I thought maybe someone would care about me more, and that maybe for once in my life or his, we will have a successful relationship.
And maybe, the reality of never happy endings might not always be the reality.
He went on and on about his relationships and family, and I was very happy just being there, listening to him. He seemed so happy with his life. He sometimes asked me questions and I would answer, but then he would go on.
I really didn’t mind.
Somehow we landed on the talk about our childhood and what happened.
I told him about me almost burning down the pile of books. He laughed and told me his horrific story of actually burning down his house.
“I was simply toying with cooking with my sister,” He said, “And somehow I got to the stove, turned the flame on and didn’t realise there was a towel nearby that caught on fire. It started to burn and everything went downhill from there.”
I smiled, listening to his story, thinking how fortunate I was because that didn’t happen to me.
“I was so lucky that I didn’t get burnt or anything. No one was hurt but my parents did almost want to kill me. I was so little then. I didn’t really understand. Now I do,” He said, smiling.
I thought, he was lucky that he didn’t get burnt, or else he might not even be here, and I might not be able to sit in front of him, listening to his ongoing stories.
I really enjoyed the time spent with him, with food or without. But then as we started to actually eat, I had to tune out from his talks because the food was really spicy, and I could not handle spicy food.
I really regretted the fact that I said I’ll have whatever he ordered.
I should have known better.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
©Yolanda Yip (Wintsarye)
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