Twist and Tear | Chapter 5: Life

Landing on a job was really difficult, but I finally got a job as a secretary in an office. They sold sport supplies. I had no idea why they needed a secretary, but they did. I had an interview and they gave me the job, saying that my Sociology degree would really help me in communicating with customers.

“We are a professional team, selling professional sport supplies for national teams,” The manager said to me on the first day of work, “We need to be really organized, as we have to organise the list of customers who need our professional supplies. Your job is to assist me on that.”

I nodded and nodded and nodded.

I had to obey and just do as I was told, and I had absolutely no problem with that. I knew the job description and I just went with it, because I had to.

It didn’t really matter if it was a chore or not, I just knew I had to work to live, and to eat.

Welcome to the real world.

My opinion on the sad, sad reality never changed, but when I started to date Keson, everything in my past seemed like a blur. Everything felt so good with him. I felt comfortable, and safe.

Keson’s work hours ended a bit earlier than mine. Turned out he had to work every day, rather than just a few days in a week like before.

“I changed my schedule to every day, because I wanted to make sure I don’t miss you when you come.”

He changed his schedule after hearing my confession. He didn’t get to see me the next day, then decided to work every day so he would definitely catch me when I was around.

I didn’t know how I felt about it. Was he just trying to catch me, like I’m a lifesaving floater in this sea of lost girls and broken relationships? I didn’t feel secure with him. I felt safe and protected, but I didn’t feel secure or loved. Like he was a temporary safe haven that I knew I had to leave eventually.

He picked me up every day after my work and we spent almost every night together, just talking. We chatted, but most of the time he talked. He had so many things to say, so many different stories. Listening to him made me feel like my life was so much less interesting, but I enjoyed it.

I now wish I never enjoyed it, and that I backed off.

But it was too late.

I was devoted to him. I didn’t know if he was devoted to me too, but having him beside me made me feel comfortable.

Then, for the first time when we left my office, he held my hand.

I felt electrified and my heart started to beat fast. It felt so new, like it was the first time I was in a relationship or fall in love with someone.

I looked at him fondly, as I would always look at someone I love, but when he looked at me, I could not decide whether it was love or pity in his eyes.

I felt protected, not wanted or needed. But I could not live or be without him now, and I hoped or thought that he felt the same.

I never thought that he would cheat or find another girl. I was happy in our relationship, and time passed along as we dated.

Yet, even though I tried hard to not be that devoted, I was still developing feelings for him more and more each day. I still felt like he received my love and decided to like me back because I liked him first. And I still felt like if I didn’t confess, he would never confess back to me.

Then everything would be different now.

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Months have passed and I could not start to realise how time flied.

Our relationship had been so steady and normal that I had no idea why sometimes I felt so negative about it, because I had no reason to.

Keson never realised about my negative feelings. His touch and hugs always comforted me and I had no reason to confront him with my insecurities. There were not really many ups and downs in our relationship and it was in a sense, too normal and too steady.

What happened to reality and bad things? Why didn’t bad things happen? It was way too good for me to have negative feelings towards, but then I did have them and I had to suppress them to make myself appear happy.

I was happy, I was sure of that.

But then why did I feel so insecure?

I really didn’t know why.

On that one day, as I was sitting in front of Keson in a restaurant, with him eating silently in front of me, I felt like something was wrong, but I could not tell.

Why was he not talking?

Suddenly our long silence had been broken and I thought for a moment that he was going to break up with me, due to me either being silent or giving little response. But even though I gave little response, I always smiled and I smiled so much that my cheek muscles felt sore.

I was not faking it though. I was sincere. As sincere as how I perceived his smiles. But his silence was making me really, really nervous…

“We have been dating for over a year now, Royane,” He said, calmly.

“Yes, we have.”

I had no idea we dated for such a long time. It didn’t feel long. We didn’t really do much during this time.

Where was he going with this?

“I have to say I really treasure this time together and it has been one of the greatest times of my life.”

‘But’, was he going to say ‘but’?

“And,” He continued, “I wish we can lengthen this time as much as possible.”

He took out something, and I was more than surprised.

I hoped it was not what I thought it was, but it was.

He took out a circular thing that was constructed with some wire. It looked handcrafted, but probably handcrafted with carefulness, protectiveness, and probably love.

“I want to take care of you for the rest of my life. Will you marry me?”

I really wanted to say no, or run, or back off, because I was not ready for this at all.

I was not ready, period.

I loved him, I did, but did he really love me back the same?

The past year, as he said, had been one of the greatest times I’ve experienced as well. It was so steady and so normal that it felt like it could be like this. The same. Forever.

It will never last... or maybe it will.

The phrase never ceased to amaze me at times, but it never popped up in my head the whole time during our relationship.

Why was I still confused? Why was I still so insecure? Was it because of how this all started that made me question our relationship and its tendency to last?

My question on how reality goes will never end, but then, now the reality was that, the man I was attracted to and could not stop thinking about, had accepted my confession, and had taken some initiative to make it work.

But did he do enough that showed me his love was real, solid and true?

I was overthinking, but this was a lifelong decision.

But did I really have a choice? Did I really have a reason to say no?

I didn’t think I did, though now I do. I was not ready, and that was a big reason.

Either way, I had a choice, but I knew if I said no, I might regret it.

Regret and remorse come hand in hand, and since I met Keson, impulsion had always taken over.

As I was still thinking, he looked into my fluttering eyes. He probably knew that I was having a hard time taking it all in. He must had beliefs that I loved him, believed him and trusted that he loved me all this time.

I didn’t want to prove him wrong.

While waiting for my answer, he slowly got off his seat and kneeled onto the ground. People around us started to look.

I did not want to submit to any public pressure or draw any attention. I never liked attention, even though attention always seemed to find me.

“Okay,” I said, in order to stop him from drawing everyone’s attention and making them cheer or whatever.

“I love you,” He said.

He stood back up, came over and hugged me tight.

“I love you too,” I said.

I should believe him, as I always have trusted him.

But maybe it was me that I didn’t believe, and I didn’t believe reality could be that good, that solid, and that persistent.

I hope it doesn’t last. I want it to end badly.

An unwanted thought appeared in my mind, and it was just the very first day that I said yes to a lifelong decision.

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©Yolanda Yip (Wintsarye)